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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy New Year's Eve!



Queen Ginger is ready to do her holiday entertaining, right here at Chez Ginger!  To all my loyal GingerSnaps out there:  have a happy and safe celebration, and for gawd's sake use a designated driver- or a taxi!!

I'll have all the scoop on the party tomorrow!

Friday, December 30, 2011

No Fightin' Tonight!

Boy G has long been a fan of Fightin' Mad Mary, with her tales of hikes in Fryman Canyon, pics of her adorable puppy Grace Jones, and travels with her handsome husband Q.  


Finally, Boy G got to meet Mary and Q, and we had a great time!!  Not only is Mary as charming, funny, and cute as she is on her blog, she is as sweet as can be!  Boy G had never met an EMMY WINNER before, so he wasn't sure what to expect- god knows an Emmy would go straight to Miss Ginger's head! But Mary was so down-to-earth, and like most of the blog people he's met, it's like they've know each other forever! 

We had a quick get acquainted visit, along with Mary's sister and her fiancé, and I look forward to visiting with them more, either on their trips here to visit Q's family, or with Queen G in tow to greet her ever-growing West Coast fan base! The Ginger's are thrilled to add Mary and Q to their list of "People We Have Met While Blogging!"


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

We FInd Our Bright Spots....

For folks out there who think that the South is a vast wasteland of white trash and stupid people, I present 2 exhibits:


Exhibit "A" represents  a mob of people crowding onto a Subway train in New York City-  a daily mass transit image represented thousands of times over each day in the cities of the Northeast!



Exhibit "B" shows a line of Houstonians waiting patiently for their bus to arrive so they can board for their commute home.  Yes, a line... a "queue".... "a line or sequence of people awaiting their turn..."

Sounds positively civilized, doesn't it?!  Boy G sees it every night when he leaves the office and it always amazes him! No one is there telling them to line up, or threatening to arrest them if they are unruly or rude!  Yet, each night, they arrive, take their place, and wait!   No pushing, no shoving.... just waiting!

Sometimes it's great to be in the South!


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

There It Went!

Christmas came and went in a flash... and it looks like we are in for a long winter!



The Ginger's had a small dinner with close friends and family, and before you knew it, the weekend was over and it was back the office for poor Boy G!


He's quite glad to have a job, however!  Many in the industry are not faring as feel, as Sears Holdings announced today they will close 100-120 Sears and Kmart stores next year.  While Queen Ginger NEVER shopped at Kmart (I don't even think we have them in Texas anymore), she does have many fond memories of going to Sears with Momma or Poppa G, to pick up a gadget or 2 for the kitchen or workshop.  Whenever choosing appliances as a gift for Momma G,  Poppa always looked for the "Sears Best" or "Lady Kenmore" label to ensure he was getting the top of the line!  And Boy G still has a couple of Daddy's old Craftsman tools out in the garage.  Growing up in a small Louisiana town back in the 60's, Sears was one of the few places we had to shop; Wallymart didn't take over the scene until the late 70's.  And long before Amazon.com, if you couldn't find something you needed locally, your Momma ordered it from the Sear catalog! It seems so archaic now, to think you had to go to the store to place the order, wait weeks for it to come, and then go back to pick it up!  Now, we click tonight and it's at our front door tomorrow!




Case in point:  Queen G has finally become fed up with Microsoft and Blackberry! She became so sick of having to take the battery out her Blackberry 3 times a day to make it reboot, she finally ordered an iPhone!  And having realized she has been through 5 Windows-based computers in the last 10 years, she has finally decided to switch to a Mac! She couldn't be happier with both!  And, the Mac Mini made it from China to her doorstep in 2 short days!!  Amazing!  It's so cute- it takes up about as much space in her office as a router! 



But her favorite part of all?  iCloud!!!  Every new Apple device comes with this remarkable feature, and Queen Ginger cannot begin to tell you just how remarkable it is!  It's the holy grail of computing efficiency! 


iCloud syncs everything you do, in real time, through thin air!  Add a contact in your iPhone, and your contacts are automatically updated on your Mac and your iPad.  Download a song using your iPad, and it appears in iTunes on your phone and your Mac.  Type a document on your Mac,  and refer to it from another state by pulling it up on any device!  All without wires, or syncing, or connecting anything.  I just works!  

Apple, Mac Mini, the iPhone 4 S (more on Siri later!) and especially iCloud ALL earn Queen Ginger's coveted 5 lipsticks for being well designed, remarkably intuitive, and highly efficient!




Thursday, December 22, 2011

Good News!!

Sort of!  


The butt doctor said that Boy G does NOT have hemorrhoids!  And, she said that was good news!


What Boy G has is an "anal fissure".

A fissure, as demonstrated by the photo above, is a crack in the surface.  In the case of an anal fissure, it's a crack in the surface of one's crack.  If you have the stomach for it, google "anal fissure" for the true picture.  Queen G couldn't bear to post it!

The bad news is, an anal fissure is much more painful than hemorrhoids.  This explains the throbbing, relentless, sleep-preventing pain that our poor Boy has been experiencing!

The good news is: the prognosis is much better!  Fissures often heal on their own, but since this one has lasted 3 months, it's probably going to need some help!  So, the doctor prescribed a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory to help with the pain and inflammation (the narcotics the Boy has been taking may actually make things worse!) and a compound containing nitroglycerin to help the thing heal.  The nitroglycerin will  improve circulation in the area to promote natural healing.  If those haven't worked in about a month, the doctor may try a botox injection to help relax the area, again with the goal of giving the wound time to heal, and giving Boy G the smoothest, most wrinkle-free puckerhole in all of Texas!

Finally, if all else fails,  the surgery for a fissure is much less invasive and much less painful than the surgery for hemorrhoids!

So, GingerSnaps, the message here is simple: be kind to your assholes!  If something doesn't feel right, don't brave the pain: see your doctor! Don't be embarrassed! Think of it this way: your doctor sees more assholes in a day than most of us meet in a lifetime!  Why should YOU be embarrassed about THAT?!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Sometimes the Queen is Slow on the Uptake!

On occasion Queen Ginger Grant makes mistakes and when she does she will happily admit them. This is one of those rare occurrences!




Queen Ginger just can't believe she resisted getting an iPhone for so long. What the hell was she thinking?


Oh sure tug and anti-flame raved about theirs and talked about all the great features of the iPhone, but Queen Ginger wasn't having any of that. She was stuck in her BlackBerry rut, hopelessly defending that antiquated technology by repeating the ridiculous meme that is was better at corporate email. But in her own defense Tug and Auntie Flame never told the queen about Siri. Siri is what makes the iPhone more than just another phone!


Siri is the Queens new bitch- she does everything for the Queen! Siri takes notes, writes blogs, updates Facebook posts- the queen will never type again! She can also send all her notes, memos, and musings seamlessly to the clouds, to be retrieved by any of the Queens many iDevices- now that's teamwork! 


If you've been holding out for an iPhone go ahead and give up now- save, scrimp, and screw to get one of your very own! 


The iPhone definitely receives the queens coveted five lipsticks!


PS- she dictated this entire post into her iPhone!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

It's Official!

As all faithful GingerSnaps know: Miss Ginger will say just about ANYTHING!  Many people think it's because she lacks adequate filters.  But in truth, she has discovered, it's just in her DNA- all just part of being a REAL drag queen!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Queen Ginger Loves Her Job.....

She does, really!  Even though the hours get long and hard during the holidays, it's fun... and it makes her feel good about herself.  And she's good at it! Really, she is!


There's only one problem with it:  Christmas Music!  I know, call her Scrooge- but really, try listing to that shit 8+ hours a day, every day, for 2 solid months!  It's enough to make a sane person crazy... and Queen G is already half gone!  There just aren't that many Christmas songs, so the loops are short, and the repetition is frequent!


And hence the problem:  Queen Ginger has an extreme sensitivity to Earworms!  Give her a catchy jingle and lilting melody and she'll hum the motherfucker all day long!  And EVERY Christmas song has a catchy jungle and a lilting melody!  Gahhhhhhhhhhh! Make it STOP!!!


Years past have had some doozies! She's been haunted by the likes of Natalie Cole, Ella Fitgerald, even Kay Star!





This year's worm is particularly noxious- and she CAN'T stop singing it!  Really, what's not to love about DORIS DAY?!!



Saturday, December 10, 2011

Assholes.

In this post, as she is often wont to do, Miss Ginger will talk about a subject many people find disagreeable: assholes!


No, not this kind of asshole:
Nor this:


or even this:



No, dear GingerSnaps, Miss G is going to talk about this kind of asshole:


That's right, folks... the old poop chute... the starfish.... the rosebud...

We all have one, and we all use it for pretty much the same functions.  A few clever GingerSnaps out there may have discovered that it's also useful for another function, and Miss Ginger commends those folks for their discovery.  This post however, shall focus on the primary function- the elimination of solid waste from the human body. (I'm sure many of you have just breathed a sigh of relief, and the others among you just wrinkled your noses and made that "I just smelled a fart" face!) Bear with me, here!

The asshole that we so take for granted is really just the service exit for what is a pretty remarkable system that god has created to fuel the human machine.  Most of us focus on the beautiful entry door:


the tummy (especially when it gets rumbly!)
and even the nether regions, when they become thunderous:

The much maligned and forgotten asshole, as part of a pretty remarkable digestive team, functions along with his partner, the rectum, to lock down a hermetic seal on the whole smelly mess,  much to the joy and pleasure of all humankind!

Queen Ginger first learned her healthy respect for the "lower digestive team" when Poppa G lost his to cancer.  His colon cancer led to the dreaded "colostomy", and let me tell you, friends, nothing will make you love your asshole like watching someone you love lose theirs!  That's when the Queen learned first hand just what a smelly, caustic mess that thing shields us from, and began her lifelong fate of frequent colonoscopies to ensure hers doesn't meet the same demise.

It was at her last colonoscopy that the doctor confirmed what Miss G already knew- "you colon looks great... all I see is a few little hemmorhoids near the rectal opening."  To add insult to injury, she added "they're probably too small to do anything about."

Too small?  If hemorrhoids feel like someone drove a Cadillac up your ass (truly, they do!) then here's what just pulled into Queen G's royal palais:
They became so bad that Queen G finally had to go see "Doctor Downplay", who is completely unalarmed by any symptom Queen G presents, except her weight.  Apparently, big girls scare him!  It went something like this:

QG: I'm miserable. It hurts like hell all the time, and throbs so much at night that it wakes me up.
DD: You know you got them because you are a big fat pig.
QG: I know! But I've tried everything- creams, suppositories, gels, ointments, voodoo...
DD: If you weren't such a big fat pig they would probably go away on their own.
QG: I get it. But if I can't move from the pain, there's not much chance of me losing weight any time soon.
DD: Well, I understand that. But if you don't lose some weight, you're going to die of a heart attack, so hemorrhoids will be the least of your worries.
QG: You're an asshole. Fix mine!

So, after a few questions, he decides he needs to see this for himself. One would have thought all hemorrhoids look pretty much the same, but apparently not. More lovely conversation:

DD: So I see one here on the outside. Does it itch?
QG: A bit. But that's the least of my issues. It's the ones inside that hurt.
DD: What does it feel like?
QG: Like someone broke a Coke bottle in my ass. A hot Coke bottle that been on a sunny beach all day. Covered with sand.
DD (with a sinister snap of a rubber glove): I'm going to need to feel the ones inside.
QG: Uh, that's not going to work.
DD: What do you mean?
QG: I will scream bloody murder if you try to do that to me right now.
DD: Put your face in the pillow and bear down like you're trying to poop.
QG: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
DD: Wow! That IS big.
QG: Call me tomorrow?

After very brief discussion, it was determined that Queen G will see a surgeon:

DD: Do they hurt badly enough to do something about it.
QG: I called you, didn't I?
DD: True. But the only options are surgical, and they are very painful.
QG: At least that pain will be finite. If I have to live with this much longer I will jump off a bridge. Or kill someone.
DD: I'm typing the referral.

SO, Queen G has been googling the various and sundry procedures from which the surgeon will choose.  Will she get:
Rubber Bands?
Staples?
A laser?
Or just good, old-fashioned knives?

Stay tuned, dear GingerSnaps, for the next episode of "As the Ass Burns"!

PS: Is ANYONE still reading?

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Elimination Challenge!

(Okay, commenters: get ready!  Miss Ginger is really throwing you a bone with this one! ) 


Hey reality TV fans: over the past few months, Miss Ginger has had some "elimination challenges" of her own. These past few weeks have been dreadful, and this week, things have become so bad she has had to call the doctor!!


Rest assured, she has tried just about every OTC product on the shelf!!


This hasn't helped:
nor this:

or even that old standby, this:

Now, Miss Ginger herself has told her share of hemorrhoid, Preparation H, and suppository jokes over the years, but she assures you, dear GingerSnaps, this is no laughing matter!  The pain is intense and constant! It keeps her up at night, and makes it painful to sit, stand, walk, or lie down- and there aren't a whole lot of other choices, lest she can learn to  float in mid air!

So tomorrow our gurl gets to go to the doc and put her feet in the stirrups so he can try to figure out what's going on.  You KNOW she had to be miserable to have made THAT appointment! 

So, dear 'snaps, there ya go- comment fodder like Miss G has never before lobbed across the plate to you before.  Please, don't disappoint! 

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