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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Puddles of Poo!

Queen Ginger stepped in a BIG OLE puddle of poo with some of her Oscar fashion comments!   Never one to be defensive, she's here to set the record straight, so to speak!


First of all, she had NO IDEA that Giuliana Ransic recently underwent a double mastectomy for breast cancer.  That comment was TOTALLY insensitive in that context, and the purpose of the modesty panel on the dress is obvious.  In retrospect, I should compliment her on choosing a dress with all of the sparkle on her shoulders and in the back, which allows her to feel beautiful without drawing attention to the areas that have been reconstructed.  Giuliana- if you read this- and I KNOW you will- please accept my humble apologies!



Also, I made several comments about the need for various and sundry undergarments (that's the garmento in me!).  At least one well-respected GingerSnap pointed out that this line of diatribe seemed in support of the concept that girls should starve themselves and strap themselves into corsets to look a specific way that society deems "perfect".  Let me say for the record that nothing could be farther from the truth!  No one know more than Queen Ginger  how difficult it is to look girly and feminine when one is not thusly gifted, and she certainly didn't mean to imply that a girl should starve herself for vanity. Come to think of it, this big ole Queen can't think of any reason whatsoever for a girl to starve herself. But I digress!  And I've kind of lost my point...

But, it was something like this:  The Oscars are a show... A "show of shows", really, where everyone wants to look their best and dress their fanciest!  Personally, I think the fashion industry has created styles that fit way too close to the body and show way too much skin.  And I think my comments about Glenn Close and Dame Meryl Streep show that I think a woman can look great without bearing her body for the world to see. But I do think that if someone chooses to wear one of those dresses that fit tight and show the world your business, that you should wear undergarments that flatter your shape as much as possible.  Or better yet, have a sandwich and wear a different dress. Obviously, my heart breaks for teenage girls who make themselves sick trying to look like a stick figure.  

And finally, to Angelina Jolie. Sorry, honey, I just have a hard time liking you. I know that breaks your heart. Try to get over it!











Queen Ginger's 2012 Oscars StyleSession!

Hot off the presses- coming in faster than this old Queen can keep up- are these photos from this years' Oscars red carpet.  If I don't name names, it's because I don't know who the fuck they are, but that won't keep Queen Ginger for holding them accountable for their fashion don'ts!  Let's jump right in!


Let's start with Giuliana Rainsick, who is clearly in need of a sandwich! Her skinny arms are so out of proportion they make her fingers look like an eagle's talons! And because she has no cleavage at all, the dress required a distracting mesh panel at the top.  Queen Ginger, for one, would certainly rather have seen the tops of some luscious boobies occupying that space!
























From one extreme to the other, here's that Sherry chick from the view, who is every inch of an "H" cup if not bigger!  Once she hoisted them into position and consolidated them forward so she could hold her purse, it just sort of left a fold where her cleavage should be.  For some reason, she chose to highlight this catastrophe with a dress that draws a circle around the most difficult part of her body.  Hasslewhore is probably sitting at home in her flannel nighty, watching this on TV and snickering.






















Somebody asked on Facebook "when did Sandra Bullock become Chinese?!"  Good question!  I like the dress, and I love Sandra, so I'll just leave it at that!  What's not to love about Gracie Lou Freebush?!




























This must be a look from one of Project Runway's "alternative materials" challenges.  If it's NOT made of plastic garbage bag, then this bitch wasted her money, because that's what it looks like!


Kinda reminds Queen G of an outfit she wore to Bunnies on the Bayou the year it rained a gullywasher!






















Speaking of trash, look who just showed up from the trailer park!  Angelina wasn't sure she would look tragic enough without all of her tattoos showing, so she used a trick she learned back in her stripper days and opened her crotch and pointed her toe. Nice!  And Brad stepped away from his Corvette and gold chains long enough to take his wife to the shin-dig; what a shame that he didn't take enough time to shave and trim his mullet!  They make Queen Ginger's skin crawl!


















And while we're on the subject of tattoos, doesn't Melanie Griffith look like a class act with her's showing!  Really, honey, it's a special night... Dermanblend makes a kit to cover that shit up! All your friends did it... you should have, too!




























Or, just wear a dress with sleeves!  Glenn Close did, and she looks stunning!  And what a beautiful color against a- what for it.... what color did they pick?.... RED carpet!!  


You all know how the Queen feels about red on the red carpet- it looks like hemorrhage!


Jane See-more needs to take a lesson from Glenn Close and learn to dress her age- leave the toothpick arms and flat chests to the young girls!  You never want your butt to be wider than your boobs, honey!  The crumb catcher on the second dress IS practical... I hate when I drop my little baby quiche and it gets wasted once it hit's the floor. With this dress, she can just pretend like she is saving it for later! 

Of course, I guess red is better than school bus yellow, especially with bumble bee black frosting! Plus, Nancy's girl's are riding a little low- she needs those tape on booby supports- the ones that come in the pink box. I know they're expensive, dear, but if you take care of them, you can reuse them up to 6 times!
























While we're talking about appropriate foundation garments, look what happens when you choose the wrong ones!  All this waist nipper did was push her junk crotchward, never the direction we want it to go!  You appear to have a bit too much junk for Spanx, darling- you need a MiracleSuit!  It will do WONDER for that jellyroll!
























I love me some Mya Rudolph, but leave the Spanx for the pretty girls, honey- funny girls like us need more support than that!  You need a longline body slimmer with a good tummy panel- especially if you insist on belting matte jersey.




























Here's Gwen. I love to call her that, because I KNOW it would piss her off! But in that plain jane dress, who could call her Gweneth?  It's a pretty dress, but it wants a necklace. Or some earrings? A hair ornament? Something!  You are Gweneth Fucking Paltrow!  Dress to impress!




























I've got more, but I'm going to end with Meryl.  Beautiful Meryl- in a dress so fancy she doesn't need a necklace.  Plus, she has the perfect earrings- that's all she needs.


I know she's not British, but does anyone else think she should be a "Dame"?  "Dame Meryl Streep". "Dame Meryl."  I think it's fitting, and since I'm a Queen, and it pleases me to do so, to all in the realm of Ginger, the land of Snaps, and the empires and baronies under my rule, I hereby declare her The Dame Meryl Streep of Hollywood.


And that's WAY better than a handprint on some stupid sidewalk!










Saturday, February 25, 2012

What Will Oscar Wear?





Queen Ginger hates award shows.  She really doesn't care who wins the most little record players, or little gold statue men, or little planets on a block of wood.  Chances are, she's not seen any of the movies, doesn't like any of the music, and hasn't had time to DVR any of of the winners.


Of these incredibly lengthy, commercial-filled programs, about the only part that amuses the Queen is the red carpet arrivals.  Those in themselves are so over-the-top pretentious with their posing, paparazzi, and label-comparing that Queen Ginger can't help but roll her eyes and think sarcastically "these people TOTALLY have their priorities in order!"


Of course, there are always some beautiful gowns on beautiful women, from which can all find inspiration and direction for the coming season.  Or, we can find these:


Perhaps the most infamous fashion gaffe ever, I'm not sure this freaky little frozen chick wanted to be pretty, funny, or just memorable.  Whatsername was none of the above. Even her shoes were ugly! And she has cankles!  Or, maybe in her case, skankles! (2001)


























In 1993, the Whoopster couldn't find a thing to wear- so she swiped something out of her favorite Drag Queen's closet!  I'm still waiting for the bitch to return it! Gotta admit, though- that Wonderbra did wonders for her girls!




























The most overrated woman on Earth decided in 2000 to pay homage to Angelica Huston by dressing like her.  Only, when Angelica wore this outfit, she was on screen... in the movie... playing a witch!   The Morticia Addams dress was bad enough... but did she have to wear the wig, too?!


























Faith Hill did nothing to improve the mainstream reputation of country music when she wore this sherbet-colored hot mess in 2002.  It looks like her granny crocheted it for her out of scraps left over from her last potholder making project!




























But perhaps the most unfortunate red carpet moment ever.... in 2004.... when Diane Keaton woke up late, swallowed the wrong pills, and forgot who she was.  She got it half right when she showed up to the Oscars dressed as (wait for it.......)
























BUSTER Keaton!!!


What were your favorite Oscar red carpet moments?  More importantly: "who" will you be wearing while watching the Oscars tomorrow?

I Don't Gossip Either!

Loyal GingerSnap Bob from I Should Be Laughing  often gives us his Big Gay Take from Smallville, Amurca, in his recurring "I Ain't One To Gossip" series.  Of course, you can probably guess who are his favorite targets: Tom Cruisy, Dim Kardashian, and EVERY gaffe la Lohan can muster!  Check them out- they're always a delight!


So in honor of Bob, Queen G thought she would share this story she found amusing about one of her most "not sure how they became one" stars.


Apparently, users of iPhone wannabes android phones can download a game called Joustin' Beaver, where a hot popular faggy beaver with a mopey haircut tubes down a river, doing his best to avoid giving "otter graphs" (I don't make this shit up!) by jousting with a large stick. Cute game, right?




Well, Teenage America's Biggest Baby  had a hissy-fit over the name calling, crying foul and saying that he doesn't appreciate being compared to a beaver.  Well, little boy who wants the world to think you are straight, if you want the world to think you are driving the macho-man pussy wagon, you'd better get used to hanging around beaver!  And, you'd best not be calling it foul!


His handlers have asked for a cease and desist order, which we all know is really just a big publicity stunt.  That stupid android download has probably sold more downloads than all of Miss Thing's songs put together!  And certainly, none of us would even be reading about the Babe if this hilarious kerfuffle had not ensued!






So, what's going on in YOUR neck of Tinseltown?!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Happy Mardi Gras!!

Queen Ginger and Princess Shelby wish you a very Happy Mardi Gras!!


The Queen will spend it in a day of meetings brushing up on her professional repertoire....   can anybody top that with plans for the funnest Mardi Gras ever?!

Really?

A "comeback?" From what?

Isn't the resemblance uncanny?  Except for Lindsay's boobs are shrunken from all that crack!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Rule.

Momma G had a rule. Actually, with 5 boys she found it necessary to have lots of them, but today, Boy G invoked this particular rule on Queen Ginger, and she was none too happy.


Momma's rule was simple: before you could have something new, you had to prove you could take care of it by making sure everything you already had was well-cared-for.  That was the way she worded it- as if to say, if you show responsibility, all sorts of good things can come your way.  In reality, it was a bribe. You want a new toy? Clean your room. As I said: simple. Children with messy rooms did not get nice things.


When ExBF first moved into the house, we used "the rule" to resolve the shoe issue- that being, 2 queens who work in retail can manage to collect an obscene amount of shoes!  So the rule was simple:  if you buy a new pair of shoes, you have to get rid of an old pair. That seemed reasonable enough, until all the shitty shoes were culled out of both wardrobes, and there were still new shoes to be had. Eventually we added onto the house which worked for a while. Then Miss Ginger came along, and things got touchy again. Unfortunately for Boy G, the relationship didn't work out, but lucky for Miss G she now had possession of one half of an enormous walk-in closet with room for all her "necessities".


Hence todays invocation of the rule.  Queen Ginger wanted a new toy for her craft area, which was a wreck.  Boy G, in his benevolent way, wanted to purchase said toy for the Queen as a congratulatory token of her recently ended reign. But, he told her she could not unbox it until her craft area was clean!


She started with her fabrics, which were all over the house!  Some were still in the living room on a cart from her recently finished costume.  Some were in bins on Shelby's window seat in the master closet. Some were in bins under the guest bed.  And more and more bolts, bundles, and wads revealed themselves as the day went on!  By the time she found, folded, and sorted it all, the dining room looked like Mood had exploded in it!






After it was all organized and labeled by fiber and weave, most of it fit back into bins under the guest bed, with a few pieces that will be needed soon going into baskets on shelves in the craft area. Once the fabric was in order, Queen G went through all the notions, tools, threads, and crap that were all over the place and got them corralled back into their drawers and bins.  Of course, she couldn't get all of this done by herself, so she was glad to have Princess Shelby there to help with it all!



 Finally, there was room on the workspace for the Queen's new plaything: the Janome Memory Craft 300E! Don't say it: I know what you're thinking!  "Queen G- you already have 2 sewing machines and a serger: why the hell do you need another sewing machine?" To which I say, Dear Snaps, don't judge a book by it's cover- this is not a sewing machine at all- as a matter of fact, it can't even make a seam!




The "E" stands for embroidery, which is all this machine can do.  Yes, they make machines that do both, but mine isn't one of those. And, the beauty of having a separate machine is that the embroidery machine runs independently, so it can do it's thing while the sewing machine does it's thing.  The embroidery machine runs automatically, calling for you with a beep when it needs for you to change its thread color. You can work on part of a garment while the machine embroiders a design on another!

What kind of designs can it embroider?  Just about anything you can imagine!  In addition to 100 built in designs and 3 lettering fonts, the 300E has a slot for a compact flash card, so you can download design files from the internet and load them into the machine.  Can't find a design you want?  Digitizing software lets you take a photo, drawing, or other graphic file and convert it into an embroidering program that the machine can read.  It's pretty much like a computer printer, except it "prints" with thread on fabric instead of ink on paper!

Queen Ginger has all kinds of wild ideas for projects she wants to make, and she can't wait to show you some of the things she has up her (flawlessly embellished) sleeve!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Almost Mardi Gras!

It's Mardi Gras weekend, and unfortunately, Queen Ginger isn't traveling to NOLA to partake in the activities. Actually, at this point, she's very glad she didn't plan to go, as torrential rains have poured on the Gulf Coast all weekend!


Tonight was the Endymion Parade, followed by a ball so big it's known as "The Endymion Experience".  As you can see by the photo, it was quite rainy outdoors, but Endymion is so huge (and well funded) that the parade meanders from it's starting point uptown all the way to the Superdome, where the floats, bands, and revelers literally parade right up the ramps into the cavernous building, and the floats form the backdrop for one enormous party!! Queen G has never made it to an Endymion ball, but it's definitely on her bucket list!


Queen G has pretty much already had her big Mardi Gras celebration for the year, and Tuesday she will be ass-deep in work with meetings and visits, so she won't get to drink, flirt, and second line through the day- but no one can keep her from hearing her favorite Mardi Gras soundtrack in her brain all day!  You'll have to sing along in your brain, too, because Queen G couldn't find a decent vocal to embed, so she'll give you the lyrics along with the inimitable Pete Fountain!




While we danced, as we dreamed, at the Mardi Gras.
Was romance what it seemed at the Mardi Gras?
Was the love that we made just a brief masquerade?
Was it gone with the song that the orchestra played?
With a sigh, with a glance at the moon above
was it just by chance that we spoke of love?
Or do you somehow feel
that the wonder was real?
While we danced at the Mardi Gras!

Friday, February 17, 2012

When Gay News Breaks....

Queen Ginger fixes it, so you don't have to sift through all the crap!


So the story, right here in H-Town, is that former city councilman Michael Berry allegedly (and by "allegedly" I mean "bitch did it!") backed his black Tahoe into another car, and then left the scene, a couple of weeks ago.  So, a hit and run by a former elected official is bad enough, but, hey, he ain't running for anything these days, so if he wants to play bumper cars, that his business.  






But, it gets more interesting.  This all happened outside of TC's, one of Houston's diviest most established "show bars".  And by show bars, I mean drag shows. Anyhoo, Berry backed into the bouncer's car. Ouch. And oh, guess what... he recognized Berry as a patron of the bar. There's surveillance video of him tipping the trannys patronizing the establishment. No biggie, right? I mean, the guy has a right to be into tranny showgirls.  And it's not like he's in public office anymore.






But here's the catch-  after he left city council, Miss Trannylove took herself a job as a radio host of a conservative radio talk show, on a conservative talk radio station here in Houston.  Yes, the fag hater sips from the fairy cup. And he got caught with a snoot full of "tea".  Spill it, gurl!  Methinks she doth protest too much!




Around the country, Target stores are checking out your baskets- and they are processing your shopping orders, as well!  It seems Target has developed spot on algorithms to use your purchase history to predict what you will buy in the future, and market those specific items to you.   What brought this all to light was the case of a father who was irate that Target was bombarding his daughter with ads for diapers, wipes, and other things that a young mother would need... as though they were encouraging this young, unmarried girl to procreate. Turns out, unknown to daddy, she was preggers at the time.  Oops! Since then, Target has learned to sprinkle random objects into the trojan horse marketing to throw off their scent. Queen Ginger has been wondering why she's been getting so many coupons for Preparation H!!

And finally, after a scorching, draught-ridden summer, the Gulf Coast is getting more than it's share of rain!  The histrionic queens weathermen are predicting fierce rains, flooding, and mass destruction from thunderstorms overnight.  Or, maybe Queen Ginger is performing in a drag show. Not much difference! They're both all wet!




Sunday, February 12, 2012

I Can See Clearly Now....

... the Reign is gone! 


But, let me make one thing PERFECTLY clear!  I am still, and ALWAYS will be, Queen Olympus XLI !!!  But, after as spectacular ball last night, Queen G is totally ready to pass the reign on to QOXLII !


As called for by protocol, after the Ball Captain is presented and seated, the show begins as the audience rises to welcome the reigning King and Queen- moi!  


The ball theme this year was "Mythology", chosen by this year's captain, and the reigning King and Queen were presented as the Ice King and Queen from Norse Mythology,  as chosen by last year's captain, the captain who crowned us!  Queen G was thrilled with the choice and had a blast with the concept! Framed by wreaths of glittering snowflakes in a frosty-cool palette, we entered to greet our adoring guests and be toasted by this year's captain!


The presentation came off without a hitch, which is pretty miraculous, since, the week before the ball, Queen Ginger's MRI revealed that she has not 1, but 5 herniated disks in her spine!!  Certainly, carrying all that snow on her back would not have been prudent, so a team of attendants was assembled to handle the issue.  It's good to be a Queen!  And, in a show of gallantry, as not to make his Queen feel singled out, King Tony chose to have his back piece carried as well, to keep the presentation balanced.  Chivalry is not dead in the royal world of make believe!










Queen Ginger looked resplendent, if she does say so herself, in a gown of her own design and creation, made of sequined lace, faux ermine, and enough silver and blue satin to cover a quarter of a football field- seriously!  There are 27 yards of fabric in that outfit, and it turned out EXACTLY like she wanted!  Just goes to show- if you want something done right, sometimes  you just gotta do it yourself!! Her makeup continued the icy theme, with blue lips and a blush of blue on the cheeks.  BTW, they don't make blue blush, so the Queen had to make that herself, as well!



There was a face in the crowd that many of you will recognize!  That's right, biotches- Chloe Dao, or Project Runway fame, was one of the many well-heeled Houstonians who came out that night to share the Mardi Gras madness with Queen Ginger and the Krewe!  












What a time King Tony and I had watching the ball from our seats on the proscenium, as costume after costume parade down the floor solely for our entertainment!  Of course, we shared the fun with a ballroom full of almost 1,000 of our closest, most personal friends!  By the time the show was ending, we realized we could have partied all night, but soon enough if was time to reveal our successors,  King and Queen Olympus XLI, who were presented at the Royalty of the Myans.












It is, of course, bittersweet, to hand over the realm to the new regime, but Queen Ginger was very pleased to bow to her new Queen and one of her dearest friends, who shall jokingly be referred to on these pages as QEXBF!  


So, the new King and Queen will have their hands full running the day to day activities of the realm, and preparing their return to preside over Ball XLIII, while Queen Ginger will bask in her retired glory!!




Good news is, she'll have much more time to keep all of her loyal GingerSnaps posted on what's going on in her FABULOUS world!

RIP



Pardon my late posting but I was a tad busy.  My favorite Whitney # ever!  "I don't know why I like it-  I just DO!"

Cheese and Crackers!

Queen Ginger has pretty much been living on a steady diet of cheese and crackers the last few days as she prepared to greet her loyal subject at Saturday night's ball!  More to come on that, but meanwhile, it's time to get some Royal rest and some better sustenance than "Scandinavia's oldest and most traditional appetizer treat!"

Thursday, February 2, 2012

In a Wad!

Queen Ginger's panties are TOTALLY in a wad over this whole Komen/Planned Parenthood debacle!  What a kerfuffle!!


First you have this great organization, the Komen Foundation, that is was a pinnacle of the women's health movement, making a politically-based decision that has absolutely NOTHING to do with women's health. Many of their top brass have jumped ship since the decision, citing, in fact, they they are leaving because the organization seems to be straying from it's mission of promoting women's health into a political arena!!








They have announced that they will stop their donations to Planned Parenthood, another organization that promotes women's health, education, and welfare- including providing mammography to thousands of women who would otherwise go without screening!! Komen is claiming that they are discontinuing the funding because Planned Parenthood is "under investigation".  Truth be told, several states, and even anti-choicers in the US Congress have created these "investigations" for this very purpose- to give the perception that something unscrupulous and undisclosed is happening at PP. 


Nobody has proven that PP has done anything "under the table".  Per the agreement, every dime Komen has contributed to PP has gone to breast cancer screening.  US government funds have been handled according to policy.  And yes, while some (not all) Planned Parenthood locations do offer pregnancy termination services, they are all funded but the private sector, and are completely legal, according to the US constitution.


Holy Backfire, Batman, donations are POURING into Planned Parenthood to replace the dollars lost!  Virtually any pro-choicer who has ever supported Komen will now write their check directly to PP! And New York's Mayor Bloomberg has said he will match up to $250,000 in donations, which has already far been exceeded!


To top it all off, this batch of bat-shit crazy has come off of their Barcaloungers to say they will stand behind Komen.  Well, you one million snot-wiping, cold-cereal-serving, dishwasher-loading, Oprah-watching bunch of fatasses, your email campaign has had virtually ZERO financial effect on the situation, since you can barely feed your brats on the measly penance your stupid husband brings home! 


And meanwhile, you have totally bastardized the good name of some quality organizations that truly have women's rights at heart!  If I were among the leadership of "A Million Mothers.org", a grassroots organization that supports families in need, or of the "Million Mother March", which supports a mother's right to breast feed in public, I would be suing the shit out of your lazy, mouthy, "one-click-and-I'm-in" kind of bullcrap!


As I have said MANY times, Queen Ginger is pro-choice, and pro-living!!  We have SO MANY problems to solve among the thousands of people who walk this earth today- why are we wasting money arguing about whether a woman should be able to control her on bodily functions?!



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