Golden? Globes....

Miss Ginger is way, way, WAAAY too busy to spend time watching award shows, especially made-up ones like the Golden Globes!  I mean, really, the Hollywood Foreign Press?  Whatsamata, fellas, couldn't get invited to the Academy Awards, so you invented your own?!  Not wanting to disappoint her adoring GingerSnaps, Miss G did send a few of her "people" to cover the awards and bring back some photos for her review. 

Before we get into those, though, let's look at this cheesy publicity shot of a bunch of people (the foreign press, I guess?) rolling out the red carpet.  The Britney Spears wannabe on the left is... get this.... "Miss Golden Globes!" Wha- wha- WHAT?!  Is this an awards show or a beauty pageant?!  Wait, there is no pageant... we just give the award to some celebrity's daughter who would never see the red carpet any other way!  And look how the inferior dye in that cheap red carpet came off on the soles of her shoes.  Shameful!  

So let's get through this stack of photos.  It's gonna be a bumpy night!

First: Zooey Deschanel.  You know how Miss Ginger usually feels about red on the red carpet, but she thinks Zooey kind of pulled it off. Miss G never heard her new show... she's seen it a million times on DirecTV by United Airlines, but, being too cheap to swipe her card for a 45 minute flight, Miss G sees it with no sound. She's pretty sure she's not missing much. We do, however, love her name.  Her first name has way more letters than it needs, but her surname "Deschanel"... it's like, not only is she OVER Chanel.... she's DE- Chanel!  "Screw Coco and her groundbreaking style: I'm gonna be me!"    So, Zoe:  5 lipsticks.

Lucy Liu. Miss Ginger is going to be provocative on this one... she liked it!  I know- we heard all the "Grammaw's couch" comments and such, but Lucy kinda rocked it! (And thank Goddess Zsa-Zsa did not have a couch covered in that fabric!!) The colors were pretty on Lucy.  The shape is to die for, and the braid-in-place-of-jewelry was even sort of cute.  Granted, had Miss G been the couturier, she would have placed the patterns a bit more consistently, but gurl, that wastes YARDS of fabric, and CA II and III are a long time away now! A washed-up star's gotta economize, ya know?!

Nichole Richey. Gawd, Miss Ginger despises her!  A never-has-been celebrity child of a washed-up 70's pop singer.  Now she's trying to be a fashion designer. And she sucks at it.  But, Miss Ginger must admit, this dress flatters her!  It's nice not to have to look at her boney arms, or be threatened by her sharp-as-needles collarbones jutting out at you like a jouster's staff! Nichole gets a win. And Miss Ginger eats crow.

Speaking of jutting collarbones.....

Anne, Anne, Anne...  we love you, you rocked Les Miz, and we know you had to cut your hair for the part... but is that any reason to just give up?  I mean, c'mon... WHITE?! With your pasty skin?  Straight, strapless, AKA "boob tube?!"  Girl:  you ain't got no boobs!  That dress, on your body, looks like a brand new, fresh-out-of-the-package ironing board cover just waiting for it's first scorching!  Could you have AT LEAST put on a necklace and some chandelier ears, or did you piss off Harry Winston by playing a whore? Thank goddess you have that killer smile, 'cause the rest is just SAD! (PS: have a sandwich... the movie's in the can now!)

And then there's this.  Miss Ginger LOVES Kelly Osborne's spunky, "my-dad-was-fringe-but-I'm-gonna-be-cool" attitude, and she salutes Kelly's remarkable weight loss, so honey: give it a rest!  High school girls in Galena Park, Texas, dye their hair with Kool-Aid because it's all they can afford, and all their Momma's will let them do! You are rich, and your Momma will let you do ANYTHING... so get thee to a quality salon and fix that shit!  Where is Tabatha Coffey when I need her?!

Halle, honey: what is with you and the awful, pale colored prints.  You are blackish... you need some color to keep from looking muddy.  And let's talk about that pose... haven't you SEEN what the internets did to Angelina Grodie when she struck that same little ditty last year?!  By the way... as we said before... you are blackish.  That means you must, you must, eliminate the crust!  Exfoliate that knee and those ankles until they approach bloody, and then slather them with cream!  Especially if you are gonna stick your leg out like a hooker on the red carpet!

Alyssa Milano. School bus yellow.  Really?  Miss Ginger is not even sure where to start, but let's begin with the foundation... or lack thereof.  The girls are about 3 inches below center, making it look like you are trying to smuggle in a french baguette! (Although, a snack is not a bad idea... those acceptance speeches do get a little long!) And a belt?  A belt. Really?! On a gown with a train.  A cheap satin gown, but, a gown, nonetheless.  But here's the clincher:  WRINKLES?!  Not wrink-le.... wrink-leS! LOTS of them!  If (and only if) you INSIST on wearing a cheap satin, school bus yellow gown on the red carpet, your sole purpose in life becomes to keep it from wrinkling!!  And we're not talking about a little "bruising" of the fabric on the seat... we are talking wadded-in-a-bag, didn't-bother-to-iron, slept-in-it-the-night-before WRINKLES! Sit on one cheek! Have a staff of homos at the ready with a Jiffy Steamer.  Stand up all night!! Wrinkles are NOT acceptable- EVER!  And that's why, my dear Alyssa, you are Miss Ginger's Golden Globes Loser of the Year!!

Before we close, let's talk about one more hopeless case....

Jody. Dear Jody.  Dear sweet lesbian Jody... we love you so!  Why do insist on squashing our love for you with that snotty, I'd-rather-be-licking-p%^$$y smirk that purses your lips and makes your mouth wrinkle?  You have a nice smile... we've seen it in the movies.  And if it's not nice enough to make you happy, Doctor Randy Mitchmore can make you one that you'll love showing off on the red carpet.  (I know it's been a while since you worked, but he can even work out a payment plan!)  You also need a drag queen to open up your beady little eyes so they don't look so much like seething slits.....  But other than that... we REALLY love you! 

So , dear GingerSnaps, who were your favorites?  And your least favorites?  But most importantly:  WHY?!

Queen Ginger's 2012 Oscars StyleSession!

Hot off the presses- coming in faster than this old Queen can keep up- are these photos from this years' Oscars red carpet.  If I don't name names, it's because I don't know who the fuck they are, but that won't keep Queen Ginger for holding them accountable for their fashion don'ts!  Let's jump right in!

Let's start with Giuliana Rainsick, who is clearly in need of a sandwich! Her skinny arms are so out of proportion they make her fingers look like an eagle's talons! And because she has no cleavage at all, the dress required a distracting mesh panel at the top.  Queen Ginger, for one, would certainly rather have seen the tops of some luscious boobies occupying that space!

From one extreme to the other, here's that Sherry chick from the view, who is every inch of an "H" cup if not bigger!  Once she hoisted them into position and consolidated them forward so she could hold her purse, it just sort of left a fold where her cleavage should be.  For some reason, she chose to highlight this catastrophe with a dress that draws a circle around the most difficult part of her body.  Hasslewhore is probably sitting at home in her flannel nighty, watching this on TV and snickering.

Somebody asked on Facebook "when did Sandra Bullock become Chinese?!"  Good question!  I like the dress, and I love Sandra, so I'll just leave it at that!  What's not to love about Gracie Lou Freebush?!

This must be a look from one of Project Runway's "alternative materials" challenges.  If it's NOT made of plastic garbage bag, then this bitch wasted her money, because that's what it looks like!


Kinda reminds Queen G of an outfit she wore to Bunnies on the Bayou the year it rained a gullywasher!

Speaking of trash, look who just showed up from the trailer park!  Angelina wasn't sure she would look tragic enough without all of her tattoos showing, so she used a trick she learned back in her stripper days and opened her crotch and pointed her toe. Nice!  And Brad stepped away from his Corvette and gold chains long enough to take his wife to the shin-dig; what a shame that he didn't take enough time to shave and trim his mullet!  They make Queen Ginger's skin crawl!

And while we're on the subject of tattoos, doesn't Melanie Griffith look like a class act with her's showing!  Really, honey, it's a special night... Dermanblend makes a kit to cover that shit up! All your friends did it... you should have, too!

Or, just wear a dress with sleeves!  Glenn Close did, and she looks stunning!  And what a beautiful color against a- what for it.... what color did they pick?.... RED carpet!!  


You all know how the Queen feels about red on the red carpet- it looks like hemorrhage!

Jane See-more needs to take a lesson from Glenn Close and learn to dress her age- leave the toothpick arms and flat chests to the young girls!  You never want your butt to be wider than your boobs, honey!  The crumb catcher on the second dress IS practical... I hate when I drop my little baby quiche and it gets wasted once it hit's the floor. With this dress, she can just pretend like she is saving it for later! 

Of course, I guess red is better than school bus yellow, especially with bumble bee black frosting! Plus, Nancy's girl's are riding a little low- she needs those tape on booby supports- the ones that come in the pink box. I know they're expensive, dear, but if you take care of them, you can reuse them up to 6 times!

While we're talking about appropriate foundation garments, look what happens when you choose the wrong ones!  All this waist nipper did was push her junk crotchward, never the direction we want it to go!  You appear to have a bit too much junk for Spanx, darling- you need a MiracleSuit!  It will do WONDER for that jellyroll!

I love me some Mya Rudolph, but leave the Spanx for the pretty girls, honey- funny girls like us need more support than that!  You need a longline body slimmer with a good tummy panel- especially if you insist on belting matte jersey.

Here's Gwen. I love to call her that, because I KNOW it would piss her off! But in that plain jane dress, who could call her Gweneth?  It's a pretty dress, but it wants a necklace. Or some earrings? A hair ornament? Something!  You are Gweneth Fucking Paltrow!  Dress to impress!

I've got more, but I'm going to end with Meryl.  Beautiful Meryl- in a dress so fancy she doesn't need a necklace.  Plus, she has the perfect earrings- that's all she needs.


I know she's not British, but does anyone else think she should be a "Dame"?  "Dame Meryl Streep". "Dame Meryl."  I think it's fitting, and since I'm a Queen, and it pleases me to do so, to all in the realm of Ginger, the land of Snaps, and the empires and baronies under my rule, I hereby declare her The Dame Meryl Streep of Hollywood.


And that's WAY better than a handprint on some stupid sidewalk!

What Will Oscar Wear?

Queen Ginger hates award shows.  She really doesn't care who wins the most little record players, or little gold statue men, or little planets on a block of wood.  Chances are, she's not seen any of the movies, doesn't like any of the music, and hasn't had time to DVR any of of the winners.


Of these incredibly lengthy, commercial-filled programs, about the only part that amuses the Queen is the red carpet arrivals.  Those in themselves are so over-the-top pretentious with their posing, paparazzi, and label-comparing that Queen Ginger can't help but roll her eyes and think sarcastically "these people TOTALLY have their priorities in order!"


Of course, there are always some beautiful gowns on beautiful women, from which can all find inspiration and direction for the coming season.  Or, we can find these:

Perhaps the most infamous fashion gaffe ever, I'm not sure this freaky little frozen chick wanted to be pretty, funny, or just memorable.  Whatsername was none of the above. Even her shoes were ugly! And she has cankles!  Or, maybe in her case, skankles! (2001)

In 1993, the Whoopster couldn't find a thing to wear- so she swiped something out of her favorite Drag Queen's closet!  I'm still waiting for the bitch to return it! Gotta admit, though- that Wonderbra did wonders for her girls!

The most overrated woman on Earth decided in 2000 to pay homage to Angelica Huston by dressing like her.  Only, when Angelica wore this outfit, she was on screen... in the movie... playing a witch!   The Morticia Addams dress was bad enough... but did she have to wear the wig, too?!

Faith Hill did nothing to improve the mainstream reputation of country music when she wore this sherbet-colored hot mess in 2002.  It looks like her granny crocheted it for her out of scraps left over from her last potholder making project!




























But perhaps the most unfortunate red carpet moment ever.... in 2004.... when Diane Keaton woke up late, swallowed the wrong pills, and forgot who she was.  She got it half right when she showed up to the Oscars dressed as (wait for it.......)

BUSTER Keaton!!!

What were your favorite Oscar red carpet moments?  More importantly: "who" will you be wearing while watching the Oscars tomorrow?

Miss Ginger's Golden Globes StyleSession!

The Golden Globes have come and gone, and honestly, Miss Ginger has no idea who won anything! She didn't watch the boring telecast of the actual awards, but she did actually watch the red carpet portion of the telecast on E!, and she must admit that there is something good about being able to see the dresses enter, move, and flow on the red carpet!   That first impression is really what a red carpet dress is all about!


If you recall last years' round of awards shows, it was all about austerity and subdued glamor as Hollywood tried to appear relevant with the times: tough economy, high unemployment, etc.  Well, apparently in 12 short months they think everyone got jobs and became rich, because this year's fashion parade was definitely over the top glamor!  Choo! Choo! Here come the trains!!


Really,  the Golden Globes arrival looked more like a choreographed fashion show than a gathering of organic glamor.  It was too consistent, in terms of colors, styles, and silhouettes. The number of full trains bordered on ridiculous.  The color story was VERY limited. The black. The "pop" color was forest green.  There were way too many "fleshy" colors".  And lots of red, in all the wrong places!  Why do stars insist on wearing RED on the RED carpet?!  And Miss G is not sure what to make of this naked neck phenomenon!


So let's get started!  We'll begin with
 "the Good":

Amy Adams gown was red carpet friendly in a deep shade of blue that looked great with her skin.  The shape flattered her, and the ruffles, though a bit much, weren't a distraction.  Definitely a red carpet winner!

Mandy Moore went for a similar color scheme in a dress with a great shape as well. The tulle at the bottom makes it look as if she's walking in a cloud, but the bit at the top is overkill some someone as young and pretty as she!

Kat Kramer probably did black better than anybody tonight.  Kat is totally working the Miss Ginger look, complete with oversprayed red flip and a hands-on-hip attitude! Snap, girl!

Lea Michelle was adorable in this Oscar de le Renta monstrosity!  When they said such a tiny little thing was going to wear OdlR Miss G thought "it will eat her up" but she had the glamour and presence to pull it off!  If she had worm her hair up and lot of jewelry she would have looked like she was playing dress up,  but with her casual hair and minimal bling, she looks  stunning, chic, and youthful!  

Anne Hathaway did the best with fleshtones tonight.  Her sequined gown was appropriately sparkled, and it fit her beautifully.  It's nice to see a young woman show sexy without baring half her body!  Miss G thinks Anne is so classy and pretty:  she nominates her for "Princess of Hollywood!"






















and, if AH is the princess, make way for Her Royal Highness, the Queen of Hollywood, it's realms, and baronies:

Katherine Zeta Jones!  Anyone else may have looked a bit "Gone with the Wind" in this full-skirted forest green gown, but KZJ pulls it off with elegance!  With her body she can wear just about anything, and her coloring begs for rich, deep tones like this!  Truly a gown fit for the Queen of Hollywood!






















Now, 
"the Bad":

"Oh, my God, Christina: that dress makes your butt look SO big!"  And not in a good way! Maybe it's the pose, but that thing makes her ass look wider than her shoulders!  She looks like Charo on a bad episode of the Love Boat!

Halle Berry, did your dress get caught in the door when you got out of the limo? Or is that just a shower curtain you wrapped around your waist at the last minute when you heard everyone else would be wearing trains?  Maybe it's a swim suit and cover up, because you forgot the awards were today?  Whatever the reason, it's bad.  We've come to expect more from you!

Annette Benning, Miss Ginger has three words for you:  1.) Hairdresser!    2.) Contacts!   3.) Whitestrips!


And the dress reminds me of something my friend Cravyn Morehead whipped up for Halloween one year.  When she had 10 minutes. And wanted to be a witch.

Miss Ginger is sick to death of seeing Nicole Kidman in this dress!  Oh, wait! It's not the same dress... it just LOOKS like the same dress. Because every dress she ever wears looks EXACTLY the same!  But it must make it easy for a busy starlett to get dressed for these things! "Hmmm, which board straight, detail-less, no color number shall I wear today?"


Miss Ginger has tried to like Nicole.  Really, she has!  But I think she's a wimpy, whiny, washed out little girl... and her evening wardrobe proves my point!

January Jones looks like she's headed to the porn awards.  This dress is not elegant... it's vulgar and tasteless.

Morticia Addams meets Lily Munster.  And they went and smushed Eva Longoria's boobs!

Sedgwick the Sea Monster.  And some old man who looks kinda like Kevin Bacon.

Someone PLEASE hire this bitch a stylist!  Why does Tilda Swinton ALWAYS wear those horrible separates that are oversized, ugly, and not even evening wear!  And who told her pink shoes go with a yellow skirt?  She looks like a little kid playing dress up with her mother AND father's Easter outfits! You look dykey enough already, honey-  you need girl clothes if you want to look pretty!


















But wait:  that's not the worst thing the UK sent us!  Check out:
"The Ugly!"

Helena Bonham Carter, get your head out of the crack pipe and quit wearing Vivienne Westwood!  In the 90's, her quirky style was, well, quirky.  But at least it was fresh.  Now it's just kinda tired and Cyndi Lauperish!  Put this Vivienne Westwood rag in the back of your closet next to all those horrible Betsy Johnson things you wore to your high school proms and get some grown up cothes!  Or, better yet, sell them on eBay and you can buy some shoes that match!\
















Stay tuned, folks!  Can't wait to see what this bitches will wear to the Oscars!!