Too Funny not to Steal!

from FailBlog.org

I wonder if he is related to Clitoris Leachman?

Right Around the Corner!

This is the list of banner heads from chron.com this morning... Hamilton Middle School is 2 blocks away from Chez Ginger- when she's working in the yard she can hear the school bells and announcements from there....
Swine flu comes to school
Episcopal High closed with sick student; HISD shuts down 2 schools in Heights —The girl who attends Episcopal is recovering from the disease, according to health officials. HISD has two probable cases that are not confirmed.
Read Episcopal High's letter to parents about closure
Harvard Elem., Hamilton Middle closed in HISD over flu
Tracking flu in infants; timeline on Houston death
Coming at noon today: Live chat on swine flu with SciGuy
Obama: There's no need to close border with Mexico

It's Here!

Houston gets its first local swine flu patient
By TODD ACKERMAN Copyright 2009 Houston Chronicle
April 29, 2009, 5:57PM

The Houston area’s first local resident to be diagnosed with swine flu has been confirmed in Fort Bend County.
Officials at Fort Bend County’s health department said early Wednesday evening that they just received confirmation of the case from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The resident was not hospitalized and is recovering, said the officials. They said they would provide more details after talking to the family.
The confirmation came a half a day after the CDC announced that a nearly 2-year-old Mexico City boy who fell ill in Brownsville and was transported for treatment at Texas Children’s Hospital in Houston was the first U.S. death.

Sanctuary Much!

Mistress Maddies park post made me remember that I forgot to post an ADORABLE pic I took at JazzFest! Aren't they precious!? They kinda remind me of Miss Alaineus taking her kids on a field trip! There is a retaining pond in the infield at the Fairgrounds, and apparently is has become a wildlife sanctuary! Right after these geese swam by, a little famly of mallard ducks scampered off the embankment, plopped into the water, and swam away in the opposite direction! The zoom on my camera was zoomed all the way out, and I didn't have my glasses on, so I wasn't able to snap the ducks before they were out of sight.

I just LOVE baby animals!

They Had These Really Great Smoothies at JazzFest!

Nice and fresh!

A JazzFest Star Sighting???

Remember the picture Miss Ginger posted yesterday of the girl she and bubba had drinks with?

The whole time we chatted, it seemed so much like we had met before.

"Have you ever been to the 700 Club on Burgundy?", asked Miss G.

"Oh yes, I've been there!", says the girl.

"Back in November? I met a girl when I was here on a business trip."

"Oh, no, I wasn't here then. Didn't come down here until March."

Oh.

Do you know....? No. ???? No. ???? No.

Arrrgh! It was driving Miss G crazy!!! Not only did she look familiar, but there was something about the soft carriage of her voice, the smooth intonation, the precise yet unnaffected accuracy of her pronunciation. And her smooth, beautiful skin and her warm brown eyes. Even as we talked, we laughed because Miss Ginger kept getting deja vu, like we had met before. We ended the evening with the mystery unsolved.

Then, on the way to work this morning, it hit Miss G like a ton of bricks!

It was Emily VanCamp, who plays Rebecca Harper on ABC's "Brothers and Sisters". I don't know for sure, but I think the resemblance is uncanny if it's not her!

So, GingerSnaps, whaddya think? Obviously, she didn't have on makeup, and her hair was pulled back, and probably back to her natural brown for the off season. Look at the brows. And the eyes. And the smile. I swear I think it was her!

Don't Touch Anything!

This swine flu thing is pretty close to home... people travel quite freely between Houston and Mexico, and on any given day, our stores are filled with Mexican tourists. Miss Ginger is going to be quite careful to keep her hands clean, avoid touching her face, and keep her hands OFF the escalator rails! And remember ladies:

NEVER try on mascara, lipstick, or eyeliner in a department store!!! Test the color on the back of your hand, then wash it away with soap and water or an alcohol swap. Those sample trays are germ-infested cesspools of infection waiting to happen!

Miss Ginger's JazzFest Report

Miss Ginger is home from the JazzFest, and has SOOO much catching up to do, since she was out of pocket with a broken computer! She missed blogging about the dearly departed Bea Arthur, and it seems like kind of old news at this point. Perhaps a tribute later.
JazzFest weekend was awesome! When Bubba John got into town we downed a coupla dozen chargrilled oysters at Drago's, then headed to the casino for some gambling. After while (and some $$$) later, it was decided a trip into the Quarter would be in order, so we walked up Decatur to Molly's at the Market. Molly's is a great locals "dive" near the French Market, and believe it or not Miss Ginger stayed up till 4am quaffing brews and chatting with the locals! And, in the back bar at Molly's, Wu holds court, and holds the bar down pretty much 24/7, or so I'm told! That's a long shift for any bartender, so Mr. Wu has been known to catnap between customers!

We met a real sweet girl there named Heather, and enjoyed talking to her until the wee hours!

The next morning, we walked down to the Jackson Brewery to catch the shuttle to JazzFest.

Because the Fairgrounds is in the midst of a residential neighborhood, there's not much parking. I couldn't find a crowd estimate, but Miss Ginger guesses there were at least 100,000 people there!

Lots of people drag folding chairs and coolers with them and set up a sort of "camp" near their favorite stage (there were 10 this year!), but Bubba John and I just decided to wander. You can hear great music all over the fest, and wandering and people watching are as much fun as listening! So we wandered from beer stand to beer stand, drinking booze, watching the crowds, and just enjoying being together!

And then there's the food! And what food! You'd expect to find crawfish pie and gumbo, and there was plenty more cajun favorites. There's a town in the middle of Louisiana called Natchitoches (say NAK-a-tush) that happens to be where "Steel Magnolias" was filmed. But long before Shelby wooed Jackson, they were making little fried meat pies that made the little town famous! EVERYONE from Natchitoches will tell you their mommas/grandmas/aunts meat pies are the best, and they are probably all right! Miss Ginger scarfed down several, and decided to pass on the food at the next booth- it just didn't seem like it would hold up in the infernal New Orleans heat!

After those spicy meat pies Miss Ginger needed a tall drink of water!

After noshing, we decided we needed to sit for a while, and we found a tent with a brass band and a "second line".

If you've ever been to New Orleans, you know that Dixieland Jazz is the soundtrack of the city. You hear it in the airport when you step off the plane, on the car radio in the taxi cab, and on the hotel Muzak when you check in. It's what gives the city it's rhythm and soul, and New Orleans just wouldn't be New Orleans without it. Miss Ginger got a little bit teary eyed when the lead trumpeteer introduced his bandmates, and told how long each had been playing. 10, 15, 35, 70 years! The oldest of them, 86 years old, had been playing since he was 16!!

There were lots of tourists and locals "second lining", as the dance is now called, but none did it as well as The Lady Jetsetters Marching Club! These ladies are smooth!

So, who's up for planning a "SnapFest" at JazzFest next year? We'll get all the GingerSnaps together and REALLY show them how to second line!

TGIF!!

Miss Ginger LOVES her weekends but she is particularly glad this one is here! She just did NOT maintain control of this week, and it really seemed to get away from her! The broken laptop thing was really the crux of it, but it just seemed to throw a wrench in the whole week! Business sux lately, which is no surprise, but when you're not winning at work you feel like you're not winning, ya know!? Now she's at the business center in the Hilton, and they have the NERVE to charge 6 dollars for 15 minutes of computer times! That's highway robbery! But you, dear readers, are worth a mint to me, so six dollars is worth every dime to keep you up date!
So, Bubba's flight lands in about 4 minutes and he'll be here to join in the mirth of New Orleans! Tonight, they're headed to the "casina" (as they call them Texas) to win back the money Miss G left there last night! Then, Saturday is the JazzFest and after that the French Quarter, if the 2 old geezers still have it in them! There will be lots of photos on the blog come Sunday evening, so watch for those!
And once Miss G gets home it's time to get everything in motion for the Derby Day Party on May 2nd at Chances! If you hadn't planned to be there, you need to change your plans! It's going to be a crazy party with lots of GREAT games and prizes, and, of course, a chance to "bet" on the derby! Everybody who's anybody will be there, and since you're somebody, you won't want to be left out! See ya Saturday! Don't forget your bonnets!

Miss Ginger Makes the Best of It!

So far Miss Ginger's trip has not been great! Really, the only problem is that her computer is TOTALLY on the fritz- it's a totally worthless hunk of plastic right now! It's her work computer, and she's kicking herself for not bringing her personal laptop, but who knew the WWII relic laptop her company issued her would bog down when they tried to download the "mandatory security patch"- 10 minutes before her powepoint! GRRRRRRRR! $%^&^@!! She had to wing it, which went okay, but I know they were bored. Oh, well. It's over now!
Thank goodness the Baton Rouge Marriott has a business center, so Miss G can share this irrritation with her fans!

At least the Marriott is right next to the Fox and Hound Pub, where Miss G loves to eat greasy food and drink Blue Moons in big mugs! There's also a Sullivan's right next to it, but Miss G did not pack an updo or an appropriate frock, so she gorged on wings and beer at the Fox and Hound. She likes the Fox and Hound because she doesn't feel stupid eating alone there, and they hardly even seem to notice that she is a drag queen!
She had hoped to do some SIRveiance ala Supreme Dwight, but, alas, no sirs were veilance worthy at this particular sportsbar tonight. Damn. Maybe next time!
Tomorrow, she's on the road to Lafayette for a spell, then she'll backtrack and end up in NOLA, the motherland!!!! And Friday, Bubba John comes in to join the party, and Saturday they are going to JazzFest! Surely there will some veilance worthy sirs there!

Miss Ginger's First Guest Spot!

Miss Ginger was THRILLED to be asked to be a guest blogger on Mike Alvear's Urge and Merge! Apparently, he picked up Miss G's post about "drag cougars" and thought his readers would find it amusing. Check it out!

Life Without Pinot- Day 1

Actually, Miss Ginger is being a drama queen... she's not completely without pinot. She's just had her second glass for tonight. And she's not gonna have a third. Really. She means it. She really means it.

The pre-diabetes thing from the doctor really got to her. Here's the rub: Miss G could drop dead of a heart attack tomorrow and have no regrets. Really. She's had a great, happy life, and if the good Lord chooses to call for her tomorrow, off she'll go to be reunited with her loved ones in the afterlife. She really believes that, and this is not about a fear of dying.

It's the fear of not dying that terrifies her! She remembers standing by what turned out to be her mother's death bed, thinking "Oh, Momma, no!" Momma G loved life, too, and would have been miserable if that stroke had spared her life but had left her without the use of her hands, or without the ability to move freely about the house she considered her castle. Try as they might, Jackson and Shelby would be hard pressed to take care of their momma, and there's really no one else around to do it! So, Miss G has no choice but to get some of this weight off and start moving around more so she can stay healthy.

To that end she has decided to give Nutrisystems® a try. There's a couple of reasons why she thinks it might work.

1. It's kinda brainless. Open the pack and eat it. She pretty much does that anyway, most of the time.

2. It's automatic. They send it to the house. No grocery shopping, which Miss G hates.

3. It's built in portion control, which Miss G needs. Living alone, she tends to eat all of everything. She won't feel like eating it as leftovers tomorrow.

4. It's prepaid. She paid for it up front, so if she doesn't follow the plan she will have wasted all that money.

Of course, #4 didn't really work so well for that gym membership that she finally cancelled, or the rowing machine that's collecting dust in the guest room. Okay, scratch #4.

Still, if it can help her look like this:

or this:

It might be worth a try.

(actual Nutrisystem® website models!)

Oh, and it comes with it's own free blog site! So check out her Nutrisystem® blog !

Okay, It's Done!

Miss Ginger is booked at the Sofitel and is ready to paint Manhattan pink! Now, working out choreography with the Mistress long-distance may be an issue, but we will get it done. Girls: make sure the Sofitel has AV equipment in your suite! We will need a CD player and a microphone!
Miss Ginger hopes this all goes better then the last time she threw caution to the wind and met people from afar over the internet. Although, it was really from afar. And the intentions were far riskier!
Yasee, Miss G and the ex decided that they wanted a houseboi. (In retrospect, thank GOD that didn't work out!) Of course, Miss Ginger wasn't going to settle for just any houseboi. So she and the ex searched the world over and found one in, of all places, Stockholm, Sweden. So, off to Scandanavia they went, dreaming of meeting the boi they would love and cherish and put through college. (Okay, there has to be SOMETHING in it for him!)
Anyho, it didn't take Miss G long to figure out: "Something's fishy in Denmark!" (Work with me here- Scandanvia is Scandanavia!) The boi wouldn't go to gay bars with us. (Yathink he was worried about being "recognized?") He freaked out when we observed the attrative attributes of passers-by. And it was CLEAR that there was no chemistry between he and the ex! Crystal clear! So, we left the little norsk hustler behind, and came home to finish out our deteriorating relationship. All ended amenable, but to this day Miss G thanks her lucky stars she doesn't have a cranky Swedish college dropout living in her guest room!

EEEEEEEEEEN CH LADA: she is certain the NYC trip willl be much more pleasant, since there is so much less at risk! And so much more to gain! Can't wait!!! Miss G is already trying to decide what to wear on the plane!

She's "In"!

Miss Ginger is "In"! She will be attending the "Duststorm on New York" the weekend after Memorial Day! She didn't realize New York was prone to Dust Storms, but after this weekend, she thinks they will be able to expect them at least annually!

Boy G will definitley be there. Miss Ginger may need a little arm twisting. She doesn't really relish travel, and strange places tend to make her nervous. But if we can convince her that all will be well and accepting, we may be able to get her to hang out around the hotel, and maybe even go out with us one night. It will take some convincing!

Everybody gang up on Str8upwithatwist and convince him he needs to attend as well!

I'm still waiting on DD to give me the scoop on where to stay, but once we've booked a hotel we'll let you know!

No Gardening this Weekend!

The weather here is a mess! We had thunderstorms come through last night and they never really left. It rained on and off all night, and most of the morning. Miss Ginger got some errands done this morning, but she's certainly not gettting any gardening done!

It got really bad after lunch, and water collected in the intersection by the house, rendering it impassable. Landlocked, Miss G and the kitties decided to nap.

When she awoke, some asshole who thought his Benz could walk on water had bottomed out in the intersection. What in idiot- it was up to his rocker panels. People that stupid shouldn't be allowed to have nice cars.

He should have to drive a Ford Fiesta from now on! That would teach him!

Anyway, they just towed it. And just in time. It looks like more rain is on the way!

When a drag queen reaches a certain age...

and she is still unmarried, does she become a drag cougar? And, it so, what is that age? Just wondering.... I have a friend....

Why is it that....

when Jackson became diabetic, we knew it because he lost like half his body weight, but when Miss Ginger's doctor tells her she's pre-diabetic the prescription is to lose weight now! I want to be a cat!!! I HATE dieting- my stomach HURTS when I get hungry, and I get really cranky and bitchy, not my normal sweet self at all! (Ask my coworkers or travel companions!) And, I can't run or walk because my feet are SO fucked up from 24 years of retail and 5 years of drag ( YOU try cramming this foot into a 4" peau de soie for 3 hours!) And my bike tire is flat. And my rowing machine hurts my back. And my yoga teacher is on hiateus. And the sky is blue... and the grass is green.....

However, we have made some modest changes here at Chez Ginger, since all three residents are a bit curvier than ideal.

1. The kitties only get one cup of kibble a day. They will have to learn that sometimes it's okay for their bowl to be empty. It will be hard, but they will adjust.

2. Miss Ginger only gets 2 glasses of pinot grigio a night. She will have to learn that sometimes it's okay for her glass to be empty. It will be hard, but she will adjust.

Now, does anyone know where Miss G can find 750ml stemware?

The Biggest One I Ever Saw...

and who'da thunk it came from Japan!

The Hounen Matsuri, or Komaki Penis Festival, actually exists and takes place each year on March 15 in Komaki, Japan. It celebrates fertility, rebirth, and all things penis! The 42 year old men of the village, figuring they need all the help they can get, carve an enormous phallus out of a cypress tree, and parade it through the streets on a float. Miss Ginger is guessing that cypress is the hardest wood they have around the village. She is also guessing this tradition started long before Viagra was invented!

There are geisha's carrying phalluses, phallic chocolate and statues for sale, and rice balls thrown into the crowd for luck. Oh, and there's, saki. Lots and lots of saki, to be sure. And after the festival, all the folks, feeling warm and fertile from all that saki, love you long, long time!

Check out the links- I can't make up shit this good!

Oh, and mark your 2010 calendars for March 15th- Miss G's gonna throw a penis party the likes of which Houston has never seen!

Thanks, "Mom", for turning me on to this! (Word Choice Fail?)

CATFIGHT!

Well almost, anyway!

Tonight was Miss Ginger's night to host the ball committee and the members presenting costume ideas, and we had pretty much finished. The members had left, and the Lieutenants and co-captains were sharing notes, cocktails, and munchies when there came a howl from the backyard. "Damn Bentley!", thought Miss G as she went out to run off the lesbian neighbor cat that often comes to torment Nog.

When she went outside it wasn't Bentley, but a big, brown cat that looked just like...

"JACKSON!"- "What the hell are you doing out here?"
It seems Mr. Curious Indoor Kitty managed to slip by one of the members and spent some time exploring the backyard- until he ran into Mr. Nog!!

Now, Mr. Nog is a sweetheart, and loves his belly rubs as much as the next kitty- but, as an outdoor kitty, he's got street cred- he'll CUT a bitch! I know this from the hanks of yellow fur that I have found he has ripped out of Bentley from time to time!

So there they are , faced off, eye to eye, with Jackson puffed up the size of a mountain lion! Momma Ginger screams "Nog, leave him alone!", and, as Nog breaks eye contact, Jackson high tails it for the backdoor and the safety of his indoor "prison". Once he got in, it was clear he was terrified! He's much better now, but Miss Ginger hopes the little shit learned his lesson: you ain't got it so bad in this palatial home you call "prison"!

Their Weather is Crappy Anyway...

Bob from Smallville posted about the new bill in Washington state called, for lack of a better term, the "everything but" bill. Ya see, it allows gay couples in Washington state the same rights and priveleges that the state affords heteros, BUT the right to say they are "married".Talk about a huge step backward for civil rights! Do you think Dr. King would have been alright if the white guys said: "Blacks in America can have the same rights as whites, but they're still (n-word)s?! That's basically what the state of Washington is saying to gays.

Marriage is marriage- if the religious right doesn't want to have the same name for their unions as gays, let THEM come up with their own euphemism!

Meanwhile, Mss Ginger not eating apples anymore- not that she ever did much anyway! But how ironic that their logo is a rainbow apple!

Miss Ginger is ELECTRIFYING!

Remember the fountain that Miss Ginger made in the garden a couple of weeks ago? Well, ever since then there has been an ugly (and unsafe) green extension cord running along the gravel path to an outlet near the backdoor.




Now, Miss G, being the outdoorsy girl that she is, had the foresight to have the contractors install a dedicated circuit of electrical outlets all around the house when it was remodeled, to be used for seasonal lighting displays, landscape lighting, etc. Pretty clever, huh?
However, in this case it's not doing Miss G any good at all, since it's up under the eaves, and she needs it down near the fence, a good 10 feet from the house. The only way to get there is under the gravel path, so Miss G made the Boy pull the gravel back and dig a trench from the wall to the fountain. Not fun!










After that, Miss G installed cable into a watertight plastic coated flexible conduit, and attached a waterproof outlet box with a rain hood to the end. It kind reminded Miss G that she needs to make an appointment for that colonoscopy!
Once the conduit was prepared, she attached the box to the fencepost, layed the conduit into the trench, and ran the other end to the existing outlet box, where it was attached with waterproof connectors.

Now everything is sealed up, safe and sound, and the fountain is babbling happily with no worries of trips or electructions from that ugly extension cord!

Tommorrow, Miss Mary Beth comes with the mulch, and the real beautification begins!

You Got to Have Friends!

And now the FABULOUS Blog of Miss Ginger Grant has 40 of them!!! It's a milestone that humbles Miss G more than you can imagine! And whether you were one of Miss Ginger's first followers from the J-land days, or if you have just joined her legions of loyal fans, she is truly honored that you think enough of her ideas and humor to make her a part of your online lives! She thinks the Divine Miss M said it best:

Happy Easter from Project Bunway!

The Texas Weather did not look like it was going to cooperate with Houston's annual Bunnies on the Bayou Celebration, and as Boy Ginger pulled into the parking garage at Bayou Place, he thought he might be able to get to the tent before the rain started. But in the short time it took to park the truck and walk to the stairs, the skies opened up, and by the time Boy Ginger arrived at Fish Plaza it came a gullywasher! It poured for about an hour, and shortly after the rain stopped, the volunteers began setting up the bars, and all the folks around Camp Bunny got busy with their decorations!

Not knowing what the weather would do, Project Bunway got scaled back a bit, and we chose not to haul out the white runway or deck chairs for the judges. Instead, we brought a roll of trash bags, some scissors, and duct tape, and introduced the buntestants to the "rainwear challenge". We figured with inclement weather, it was about as clever as we could be, and if it stayed nasty, we'd make lots of friends with our trashbag rainwear!

As it turns out, after the storm came through the weather was absolutely GORGEOUS! It was more warm than cool, with a nice breeze in the shade. Once the weather came around, people poured into the plaza in masses, and BOTB was the huge success everyone expected!

And of course, with pretty weather, shirts started coming off, and even one of Houston's most venerable drag queens got all butch and boyish!

And, dear DD, don't think we forgot to get a pic of your Houston Dust Bunnies at Bunnies on the Bayou! That's Str8upwithatwist with Boy G down near the fountains of Fish Plaza!

This Is Really Entertaining!

Sometime when Miss Ginger thinks something like this is very cool, she discovers she is the last person on Earth to have heard it. Taking that risk, here are: The Voca People!

TASTLESSNESS DISCLAIMER: Biological Females May Not Find This Amusing!

Miss Ginger truly has never met a real woman who can abide the "C" word... and I understand that they find it an unnacceptable description for female genatalia. As I type, I realize it's interesting that men don't mind what you call their genatalia, as long as it's not a synonym for "small".
Anyway, Miss G ADORES "The Sound of Music" staring Miss Julie Andrews, who, in Miss G's mind, should certainly be Dame Julie Andrews by now! Anyway, there is a part of the movie with a very unfortunate pronunciation, that I'm pretty sure would not make it by censors today!


Miss G apologizes to those who may be offended, but she can't help but laugh every time she hears it!

The Easter Dilemma...

no, it's not "how do we get this huge rock out from in front of this cave...?"

The dilemma is: Who will be attending "Bunnies on the Bayou"? Will it be Boy G or Miss G? The plan all along was for Miss G to go. Each year, the largest donors (Miss G included!) are honored with a tent near the entrance to the party that houses a private bartender. Patrons are encouraged to decorate their tents to match the theme, and you can imagine at a gay event how elaborate those can become.

Miss G and her co-lieutenant decided on the theme "Project Bunway"- "for these 12 rabbits, this the the chance of a lifetime!", starring Miss G as Heidi (pregnant with Seal's baby, or course), Co-lieutenant as Michael Kors, and his boyfriend as "Meana Garzilla" (drag and makeup optional)

But here's the rub- it IS going to pour down rain today! There is a front coming through that you can see on the radar, and it's probably going to pass over Houston at T-1! And, this won't be some little sprinkly April shower. It's gonna be a full-on, balls-to-the-walls, it can only rain this hard in Texas kind of fronts, with severe thunderstorms and maybe a tornado or 2! So, the question becomes- does Miss G brave the weather, and risk ruining a wig and shoes, not to mention the humiliation of a mascara-stained face at one of Houston's largest events? Or does she send Boy G to make her excuses, and make the best of a party that will not be the grand event it could have been due to the weather? She has about 2 hours to decide, then it will be time to start painting! What's a gurl to do?!