Before we get into those, though, let's look at this cheesy publicity shot of a bunch of people (the foreign press, I guess?) rolling out the red carpet. The Britney Spears wannabe on the left is... get this.... "Miss Golden Globes!" Wha- wha- WHAT?! Is this an awards show or a beauty pageant?! Wait, there is no pageant... we just give the award to some celebrity's daughter who would never see the red carpet any other way! And look how the inferior dye in that cheap red carpet came off on the soles of her shoes. Shameful!
So let's get through this stack of photos. It's gonna be a bumpy night!
Lucy Liu. Miss Ginger is going to be provocative on this one... she liked it! I know- we heard all the "Grammaw's couch" comments and such, but Lucy kinda rocked it! (And thank Goddess Zsa-Zsa did not have a couch covered in that fabric!!) The colors were pretty on Lucy. The shape is to die for, and the braid-in-place-of-jewelry was even sort of cute. Granted, had Miss G been the couturier, she would have placed the patterns a bit more consistently, but gurl, that wastes YARDS of fabric, and CA II and III are a long time away now! A washed-up star's gotta economize, ya know?!
Nichole Richey. Gawd, Miss Ginger despises her! A never-has-been celebrity child of a washed-up 70's pop singer. Now she's trying to be a fashion designer. And she sucks at it. But, Miss Ginger must admit, this dress flatters her! It's nice not to have to look at her boney arms, or be threatened by her sharp-as-needles collarbones jutting out at you like a jouster's staff! Nichole gets a win. And Miss Ginger eats crow.
Speaking of jutting collarbones.....
Anne, Anne, Anne... we love you, you rocked Les Miz, and we know you had to cut your hair for the part... but is that any reason to just give up? I mean, c'mon... WHITE?! With your pasty skin? Straight, strapless, AKA "boob tube?!" Girl: you ain't got no boobs! That dress, on your body, looks like a brand new, fresh-out-of-the-package ironing board cover just waiting for it's first scorching! Could you have AT LEAST put on a necklace and some chandelier ears, or did you piss off Harry Winston by playing a whore? Thank goddess you have that killer smile, 'cause the rest is just SAD! (PS: have a sandwich... the movie's in the can now!)
And then there's this. Miss Ginger LOVES Kelly Osborne's spunky, "my-dad-was-fringe-but-I'm-gonna-be-cool" attitude, and she salutes Kelly's remarkable weight loss, so honey: give it a rest! High school girls in Galena Park, Texas, dye their hair with Kool-Aid because it's all they can afford, and all their Momma's will let them do! You are rich, and your Momma will let you do ANYTHING... so get thee to a quality salon and fix that shit! Where is Tabatha Coffey when I need her?!
Halle, honey: what is with you and the awful, pale colored prints. You are blackish... you need some color to keep from looking muddy. And let's talk about that pose... haven't you SEEN what the internets did to Angelina Grodie when she struck that same little ditty last year?! By the way... as we said before... you are blackish. That means you must, you must, eliminate the crust! Exfoliate that knee and those ankles until they approach bloody, and then slather them with cream! Especially if you are gonna stick your leg out like a hooker on the red carpet!
Alyssa Milano. School bus yellow. Really? Miss Ginger is not even sure where to start, but let's begin with the foundation... or lack thereof. The girls are about 3 inches below center, making it look like you are trying to smuggle in a french baguette! (Although, a snack is not a bad idea... those acceptance speeches do get a little long!) And a belt? A belt. Really?! On a gown with a train. A cheap satin gown, but, a gown, nonetheless. But here's the clincher: WRINKLES?! Not wrink-le.... wrink-leS! LOTS of them! If (and only if) you INSIST on wearing a cheap satin, school bus yellow gown on the red carpet, your sole purpose in life becomes to keep it from wrinkling!! And we're not talking about a little "bruising" of the fabric on the seat... we are talking wadded-in-a-bag, didn't-bother-to-iron, slept-in-it-the-night-before WRINKLES! Sit on one cheek! Have a staff of homos at the ready with a Jiffy Steamer. Stand up all night!! Wrinkles are NOT acceptable- EVER! And that's why, my dear Alyssa, you are Miss Ginger's Golden Globes Loser of the Year!!
Before we close, let's talk about one more hopeless case....
Jody. Dear Jody. Dear sweet lesbian Jody... we love you so! Why do insist on squashing our love for you with that snotty, I'd-rather-be-licking-p%^$$y smirk that purses your lips and makes your mouth wrinkle? You have a nice smile... we've seen it in the movies. And if it's not nice enough to make you happy, Doctor Randy Mitchmore can make you one that you'll love showing off on the red carpet. (I know it's been a while since you worked, but he can even work out a payment plan!) You also need a drag queen to open up your beady little eyes so they don't look so much like seething slits..... But other than that... we REALLY love you!
So , dear GingerSnaps, who were your favorites? And your least favorites? But most importantly: WHY?!