Loss

Humor us one more day and we promise to get back to our normal, FABULOUS selves.


This has been a tough day for Shelby and I.  Much as the doctor had warned,  she has been verrrrrry clingy, but otherwise relatively normal.  I have seen her feed and drink, which is great, but she doesn't seem to be using the litter box. That's something I will call about tomorrow if it doesn't resolve itself.  Maybe she's using the one upstairs that Jack rarely used. Surely, she's been today or she'd seem a lot more miserable!


I'm tormented by smells today. When they brought Jackson to me, he smelled horrible- like a dirty baby. That putrid milk smell that a baby gets by the end of the day.  Combined with wet cat. I never want to smell that smell again!  In addition, in a fit of poor judgement, I tied the crawfish shells from the weekend in a plastic bag and put them in the outdoor garbage bin.  That was a bad idea... it was 90 degrees today.  The yard reeks, and the garbage man doesn't come until Thursday.  And to top that off,  I think a possum has died under the house. I get a faint wiff of it here in the office, and the downstairs bathroom filled with fleas last night, which always happens when something croaks beneath the floorboards. At least they seem to confine themselves to the bathroom, which I think is because the floor there is white. I really wish I could just turn my nose off for a while. Instead, I've chosen to shove it into a glass of wine.


Believe it or not, this is the first time in my adult life that I have experience the loss of a pet, and the first time I have had to put one down.  We had an Irish Setter for most of my childhood, and she died the summer between high school and college. Natural causes. I wasn't home at the time. It was sad, but not terrible.


Today was terrible. After having lost 4 grandparents, 2 parents, a brother, numerous aunts and uncles, and many, many friends, I thought I was a grief warrior! Grieve, yes. Take your time, yes. Time will heal, yes.  Yet somehow, this was different.  My pain initially was much more intense- the tears were like acid running down my face.  I cried harder, longer, and much more intensely than I did when Momma or Daddy died. When they died, I felt blistered. It hurt. I wasn't going to die from it, but it hurt.  And it lingered, and different things would irritate it and make it worse again. It seemed like every time I walked, I rubbed against that blister and irritated it again.


This was more of an acute pain, like a stab, or a cut.  It hurt really bad when it happened, but now, it seems bandaged, and as long as I'm careful, I think it will heal quickly and leave one of those scars that reminds you how much fun you were having when you fell. He was my first cat. He came into my life with my first live in lover.  He stayed with me after I had my first real breakup.  And now he's gone.


I still have Shelby, thank god!  And my little Nog, the one I worry about the most, is healthy and happy and ruling the back yard.  And I'm sure there will be other cats in my future. Maybe I will find them; maybe they will find me.  But Jackson will always be my first kitty, and that means he will always be a special kitty.  And I thank ALL of my kitty loving friends for their love, support, understanding, and patience!


It would probably do me good to get out. But I don't want to leave Shelby alone. She's never been alone. As luck would have it, I had planned a few days "staycation" this week to try to get some things done. So much for that. But at least I have a couple of days to keep an eye on Shelby, and I am thrilled that I have my GingerSnaps to talk to.  You all mean the world to me!

Jackson Brown Manuel Burch 10/1/2008 - 5/23/2011

Rest in peace, little buddy.  I will always remember our time together!

It's over.  His little body just couldn't deal with 3 defective organs.  Troubles with his pancreas were making his blood sugar bounce all over the place, making it extremely difficult for the doctors to regulate his insulin.  At home, it would have been impossible.  Had he suffered only from fatty liver disease, he wold have begun to bounce back by now. With his liver, pancreas, and gall bladder all diseased, his kidneys would have been the next to go.  Better to stop his suffering now. He didn't have any fight left.

God! That was hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, even though I've already practiced twice with humans!!  Difference is, with humans, we had discussed it.  In fact, I had PROMISED to make things swift when we knew it was time to go.  Even though I always told Jackson that I would always take care of him, I wonder if he understood that meant up to the very end?

When the nurse brought him to me today, he was some limp, and lifeless.  He seemed aware that it was me, but didn't have the strength to respond much to my touch.  Seeing him like that made my decision clear, and after the doctor went to prepare and left me with him for a moment, he got all kinda squirmy and restless.  He seemed to be trying to turn over, so as I turned him feet down, I could tell he was trying with all his might to get into our "nap" position, with me lying on my back, and him sitting on my belly, with his paws on my chest and his head snuggled up under my chin. I slouched down in the chair as much as I could, and got his little butt and paws into place, but he wasn't strong enough to hold his head under my chin.  He just kind of rested it on my chest between his paws and stayed that way until the doctor came in.  That's the position in which he died, and that's the way it should be.

Shelby and I can't begin to thank you all enough for all of the kind words of support you have posted, tweeted, texted, and emailed.  The house is oddly, eerily quit right now.  The dings on my phone indicating a message are a welcome distraction.

I can't really talk much- I get too choked up, so I'm glad to have this format to express my grief, anxiety, and profound depression.  I know it will get easier. It just hurts so much at the moment.

Animals are the purest souls. I KNOW he is in a better place. And I know Poppa G will take care of him, and he'll sleep on Poppa G's belly... it's shaped just like mine!

Shelby Misses Her Pillow....

I mean brother!!


The report on Jackson was not particularly encouraging today.  Because of his weakness, they did not insert a peg tube into his stomach yesterday. He is being fed through the naso tube, and that seems to be helping him gain some strength.  His liver tests, while definitely indicating fatty liver syndrome, are coming back higher than normal for that condition, indicating that something else may be wrong with the liver as well.  The liver aspirate didn't show signs of cancer, but there is only so much the doctors can tell from that procedure.  In addition, he has developed a slight fever, which could simply be an indication that with the help of antibiotics, he is fighting the infection in his bladder. He apparently continues to become a bit more active and alert, and even growled a bit at the doctor, which was taken as a good sign.  Assuming that he continues to strengthen, tomorrow the doctors hope to place the peg tube.  If he seems strong enough, and the liver results are still high, they may also biopsy the liver to gain a better understanding of what is going on there. Meanwhile, he continues to respond well to the insulin and his blood sugar appears stable.  He still has absolutely no interest in feeding, but the doctors seem to think that perhaps he might take food from me tomorrow, so we will try that. I'm going to bring his favorite treat, Pill Pockets, to see if a familiar hand feeding a familiar bit might be more the the Prince's liking!  The doctors are still somewhat encouraging, but today the doctor said the next 24 hours would probably give us a better indication of what the ultimate outcome will be.


On the homefront, today has been the worst day yet!  Having my brothers here the past 2 days has been a blessing, and a very welcome distraction.  Now that they are gone, I find myself tired, depressed, and at times weepy.  Shelby seems okay, and luckily I've not had to leave her alone for any length of time, so I'm not sure how aware she is of his absence.


Your kind words and messages mean more to us right now than you can know! Please keep them coming, and continue to keep Jackson in your thoughts! 

Tonight's Update on the Prince....

The doctor called very late tonight- Jack had a long day of tests and procedures after I saw him this morning, when the poor dude did not look so good.  He has a naso tube in his nose and an IV in his hind leg.  Many parts of his body have been shaved, and his now bare belly is clearly very yellow from jaundice.  He seemed very weak, but aware we were there, and in fact, when I petted him some small tears trickled down his cheek.  This was heart-wrenching, as I recall Momma G doing the same thing after her stroke. The doctors assured me that he was stable and as comfortable as possible, and that he had a big day ahead of him.

Today, they inserted a feeding peg into his tummy so they can strengthen him with nom noms.  The doctor called tonight and said that he seems to be gaining some strength, and that he is holding his head up more and seems more responsive.  They were able to do the liver aspiration, which confirmed the fatty liver disease we expected.  The medication seems to be lowering his bilirubin levels, which is good, and urinalysis confirmed a UT unfection, which is being treated with antibiotics. His potassium level is rising, which is probably why he is becoming stronger,  and the insulin is getting his blood sugar back in line. 

My little warrior let himself get REALLY sick before he went down, which leads me to urge all cat parents:  don't ignore seemingly small symptons- get your baby to the vet and let them assess the situation.  Their little bodies can go down fast when something serious goes wrong!

It was good to hear the doctor say "He's still not out of the woods, but, gosh, he seems better than this morning!'

I won't get to seem him tomorrow since there is no visitation at the clinic, but I should get a call from the doctor with an update on his condition.

Thanks again to everybody for your kinds words and thoughts-  they mean more to me than you can imagine!

Thanks For Your Words of Support.....

...just heard from Jackson's doctor that he is resting comfortably after a rigorous afternoon of poking and prodding! He apparently became a bit of his old self and was a little feisty when the naso tube was inserted, but now he is resting comfortably and being fed, hydrated, and medicated.  He's being given vitamin K to improve his blood clotting so that tomorrow the doctor can take a needle biopsy of his liver to give us more of an idea of exactly what we are dealing with.  Meanwhile, he's being fed the appropriate nutrients to treat his probable fatty liver condition, and he's being given insulin to manage his diabetes.  Hopefully, all of this will help reduce his bilirubin levels, which are elevated, and his gall bladder can return to normal function.


He's not out of the woods yet, but Shelby and I were encouraged by the doctors words and wisdom.  Oh, and there's no sepsis... a VERY good thing!  Please continue to keep him in your thoughts!  I'll get to go see him tomorrow!

A Prince is Fallen.....

....may he find strength and spirit to rise again!




Jackson Manuel Brown Latry Burch is a very, very sick kitty.  The doctors in the ICU at Gulf Coast Veterinary Specialists have his condition listed a "serious".  Currently, he is receiving IV fluids to combat dehydration, and will get a feeding tube this afternoon to provide nourishment while he convalesces.


His case is complicated by his diabetes and a heart murmur. He apparently has feline hepatic lipidosis, which is an accumulation of fats in the liver. In his case, it was probably caused by the relatively rapid weight loss he experienced when his diabetes was treated and his diet changed.

There are several other things that can cause some of the issues her is suffering, so the doctors are working on ruling those out as they continue to stabilize his condition and get water and food into him.    If he can be successfully rehydrated without complications, and the doctors can overcome his anorexia by force feeding him, he could pull through and live several more years.


The next 24 hours will be crucial for our little man.  If the doctors decide that he can be treated, and he seems to respond well to initial treatments, then he will be treated and we will get him through this. He's always been such a strong kitty, and even through this hid his misery until the end!  If what he has is not treatable, or if he doesn't seem to respond to the early courses of treatment, then Queen Ginger will be facing other difficult decisions.


Of course, Princess Shelby is a wreck!  After being hauled along to 2 veterinary clinics in one day, plus getting some poking and prodding of her own, all she wants to do is snuggle up in a sunbeam with her brother, and she can't seem to find him!  She seems to be acutely aware that something scary is amiss.


Please send positive thoughts Jackson's way.  If you are a prayerful person, perhaps that would help him.  I'm willing to try anything to keep my little man!