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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Queen Ginger's 2012 Oscars StyleSession!

Hot off the presses- coming in faster than this old Queen can keep up- are these photos from this years' Oscars red carpet.  If I don't name names, it's because I don't know who the fuck they are, but that won't keep Queen Ginger for holding them accountable for their fashion don'ts!  Let's jump right in!

Let's start with Giuliana Rainsick, who is clearly in need of a sandwich! Her skinny arms are so out of proportion they make her fingers look like an eagle's talons! And because she has no cleavage at all, the dress required a distracting mesh panel at the top.  Queen Ginger, for one, would certainly rather have seen the tops of some luscious boobies occupying that space!

From one extreme to the other, here's that Sherry chick from the view, who is every inch of an "H" cup if not bigger!  Once she hoisted them into position and consolidated them forward so she could hold her purse, it just sort of left a fold where her cleavage should be.  For some reason, she chose to highlight this catastrophe with a dress that draws a circle around the most difficult part of her body.  Hasslewhore is probably sitting at home in her flannel nighty, watching this on TV and snickering.

Somebody asked on Facebook "when did Sandra Bullock become Chinese?!"  Good question!  I like the dress, and I love Sandra, so I'll just leave it at that!  What's not to love about Gracie Lou Freebush?!

This must be a look from one of Project Runway's "alternative materials" challenges.  If it's NOT made of plastic garbage bag, then this bitch wasted her money, because that's what it looks like!

Kinda reminds Queen G of an outfit she wore to Bunnies on the Bayou the year it rained a gullywasher!

Speaking of trash, look who just showed up from the trailer park!  Angelina wasn't sure she would look tragic enough without all of her tattoos showing, so she used a trick she learned back in her stripper days and opened her crotch and pointed her toe. Nice!  And Brad stepped away from his Corvette and gold chains long enough to take his wife to the shin-dig; what a shame that he didn't take enough time to shave and trim his mullet!  They make Queen Ginger's skin crawl!

And while we're on the subject of tattoos, doesn't Melanie Griffith look like a class act with her's showing!  Really, honey, it's a special night... Dermanblend makes a kit to cover that shit up! All your friends did it... you should have, too!

Or, just wear a dress with sleeves!  Glenn Close did, and she looks stunning!  And what a beautiful color against a- what for it.... what color did they pick?.... RED carpet!!  

You all know how the Queen feels about red on the red carpet- it looks like hemorrhage!

Jane See-more needs to take a lesson from Glenn Close and learn to dress her age- leave the toothpick arms and flat chests to the young girls!  You never want your butt to be wider than your boobs, honey!  The crumb catcher on the second dress IS practical... I hate when I drop my little baby quiche and it gets wasted once it hit's the floor. With this dress, she can just pretend like she is saving it for later! 

Of course, I guess red is better than school bus yellow, especially with bumble bee black frosting! Plus, Nancy's girl's are riding a little low- she needs those tape on booby supports- the ones that come in the pink box. I know they're expensive, dear, but if you take care of them, you can reuse them up to 6 times!

While we're talking about appropriate foundation garments, look what happens when you choose the wrong ones!  All this waist nipper did was push her junk crotchward, never the direction we want it to go!  You appear to have a bit too much junk for Spanx, darling- you need a MiracleSuit!  It will do WONDER for that jellyroll!

I love me some Mya Rudolph, but leave the Spanx for the pretty girls, honey- funny girls like us need more support than that!  You need a longline body slimmer with a good tummy panel- especially if you insist on belting matte jersey.

Here's Gwen. I love to call her that, because I KNOW it would piss her off! But in that plain jane dress, who could call her Gweneth?  It's a pretty dress, but it wants a necklace. Or some earrings? A hair ornament? Something!  You are Gweneth Fucking Paltrow!  Dress to impress!

I've got more, but I'm going to end with Meryl.  Beautiful Meryl- in a dress so fancy she doesn't need a necklace.  Plus, she has the perfect earrings- that's all she needs.

I know she's not British, but does anyone else think she should be a "Dame"?  "Dame Meryl Streep". "Dame Meryl."  I think it's fitting, and since I'm a Queen, and it pleases me to do so, to all in the realm of Ginger, the land of Snaps, and the empires and baronies under my rule, I hereby declare her The Dame Meryl Streep of Hollywood.

And that's WAY better than a handprint on some stupid sidewalk!


Sheria said...

Ms.Ginger,I love your wit and laughed my self silly while reading most of your critique of the Oscar dresses. However, as I know that you hae a well developed social conscious I will point out to you that much of the causation for the waif like figure of the first young woman is because of the pressure for women to not display their natural figures. We're women; roundness in the hips and belly is part of what nature gave s. Spanx is comfortable. Why should we squeeze into body briefs or girdles that make it impossible to breathe. I see nothing wrong with looking natural and being comfortable. As for Angelia Jolie, she has done a lot for children's issuesand she is fearless when it comes to being herself. In a world where people define themselves in terms of pleasing other people, I find her refreshing. Besides, she has great legs, why hide them?

David Dust said...

Damn girl, you work fast.

"Dame Meryl Streep" it is!


Miss Ginger Grant said...

Ms. Sheria- I'm all for comfort! Look at Glenn Close, and many others- they chose gorgeous gowns that they look great in! I guess my point is that if you are going to wear one of those skin-tight things, you owe it to the world to wear the necessary support to make it look good!

If you noticed, many of my comments about skinny arms and flat chests were snide- I personally do not think women look pretty without some curves! Those toothpick arms would look better in a sleeve, if you ask me!

If I seemed to promote waifishness or skinniness in my post, perhaps I should edit- that was certainly not my intention. My point was simply that, if you're going to wear that dress, make it look it's best- or pick another dress!

And we will have to agree to disagree on Angelina. I can't seem to like her. I don't know why!

Bob said...

I've been on Parliament for years to make Meryl a Dame.

Maybe a Facebook page........

Tivo Mom said...

Laughing at your comments. Loved Glenn Close!

Beth said...

Your comments are always funny...and I know they're all in fun!

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.


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