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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Miss Ginger's Last Wishes....

....not that you'll need them anytime soon!


Miss Ginger considers herself a bit a funeral expert.  For a while, her family was part of the 'Frequent Diers Club" at Hixon's Funeral Home in Lake Charles.  Man, the funeral industry has changed!  It's a total racket, created by Service Corporation International based right here in Houston, the creators of what Miss G likes to call "McFuneral". Seriously, by the time it's all over, they give you a little box, with a handle on top, that contains "memorablilia" of one of the worst days of your life!  The funeral industry in the US is barbaric, and Miss Ginger wants no part of it!!


It starts with a box- a big, heavy, overpriced box designed to hold an embalmed body. Miss G would venture to say that the box she buried her mother in cost more than any single piece of furniture in her home- in fact, it may have cost more than ALL of the furniture in his home.  We saw it for about an hour and a half. And now, worms are eating it.  CRAZY!!!!


Once they get you stuffed in nice and cozy,  some of your best friends have to go through the pain of being pall bearers. Not only are they sad that you died, but now they have to carry your fat ass around in a box that was already as heavy as a piano!  In the old days, I guess this custom made sense, but nowadays, they use these wheeled hydraulic lifts that give the whole process about as much dignity as loading luggage into the belly of an airplane!






And what's worse than being stuffed into a wooden box  and dragged around by your friends after your die? How about being paraded across town in a really tacky station wagon? Not only do you have to ride in this ugly monstrosity, but all of your friends will parade behind in their cars, lights flashing, to make sure everyone in town notices!


And just to make sure everyone know you are DEAD, the whole place is decorated with DEAD plants!  Florists LOVE funerals, because they can use up all the flowers that have been in their coolers for weeks, that are just a day or so away from browning in the compost heap.  The petals only have to stay on for about half a day, and no one sees them up close anyway, so it's the perfect disposal.
And what does the family do after the service to ensure these flowers don't meet an early demise?  They pack them up and send them to an OLD FOLKS HOME, so the old people can be reminded of what they have to look forward to!! Barbaric, in the cruelest since of the word!


The old folks in New Orleans have it figured out- a Jazz Funeral is the way to go!!  Miss Ginger want her body cremated, and the ashes sealed in a nice, heavy urn. Marble would be nice. No inscription; no markings. This will give everyone time to make reservations and get themselves to New Orleans for the designated weekend, where they are to check into the Royal Sonesta or the Royal Orleans (go for the best rate!)  Arrive Friday night to allow everyone to get settled and meet!


Saturday night, everyone should meet at the river about an hour before sunset, to unceremoniously drop the ash-filled urn into the Mississippi River.  Upon hearing the splash, a Jazz Band should strike up their best Mardi Gras Medley, and the entire group should parade back through the quarter to a catered buffet of gumbo, shrimp, crawfish, and oysters! 




Don't forget to buy cocktails for the folks in the second line that will undoubtedly fall in behind the procession! (it's considered "good form" to buy them cocktails!)


And it's a "come as you are" kind of party- no black dresses, no black suits! Wear what you would wear for a night of partying in the Quarter- augmented with an appropriate amount of feathers and bling, of course!  You ARE honoring the FABULOUS Miss Ginger Grant!






And finally- no preachers or priests, no prayers or eulogies, and no mention of christ, jeebus, or beelzebub!!  Just toasts to the soul you are sending off, and toasts for the souls that remain on Earth!


Oh, and a jazz brunch the next morning.  Might as well make a full weekend of it!!







8 comments:

Kailyn said...

My family seems to have the curse that befell yours. The last service I attended was my grandmother's "homecoming." Best part of the service? Her best friend sharing the story of how my grandmother had recently hung up the phone on her and then called back a few hours later like nothing had happened. The only tears were from the result of laughing too much. I think all gatherings for the dead should be like this -- celebrate the good and funny.

Fortunately my parents are both of the cremation frame of mind. Even worse than having a casket sitting there is when someone has decided that it should be open casket. First time I experienced that, I had to do my best to stop myself from laughing because the folks had f'd up my great aunt's makeup so badly.

David Dust said...

Bitch -

You ain't planning on dying anytime soon, are ya?? Cause I don't have "Weekend in New Orleans" money right now...

XOXOXOXO

Howard said...

Miss G, I am sooooo with you on this. Torch me with a Bic lighter, and toss the ashes in a field, I am good with that. Even better, plan a big-ass party, with lots of food & adult beverages, with stories about shoving dollar bills in straps at Urges, or staying up late on David's couch. I want to be remembered with a smile, not a tear...

mrs. miss alaineus said...

the funeral industry- dont get me started. in michigan a pre-thanna trust is the only money you can keep when you get on medicaid/medicare (dont even try to not tell me that is not a sweetheart deal between the funeral parlour and uncle sam) so my grandma had a funeral fit for a queen with the exception of having pallbearers (her lazy family decided it was too muggy to go to a graveside and LEFT. the only funny part of the whole affair is when my cousin's tit fell out of her dress when she bent to give my grandma a kiss in the casket..... i sat there with my mom(stempmom) and my sisters and just tried to keep it together. it was frickin' surreal. i dont want any of that mess either. burn my fat ass and sprinkle the ashes in the last place i taught and then let tony keep the rest of them in a tupperwear container next to guinness on the mantel.

xxalainaxx

mrs. miss alaineus said...

i just got david's comment!!!! HA!

xxalainaxx

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

We are with you on this one. Cremation and spreading the ashes someplace you love; for us, it is here at Nutwood.

Beth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beth said...

Totally with you on this one. I've said that I'd want a New Orleans-style funeral, with fun and partying and everyone having fun! And no open casket for me...man, that is so ghoulish, in my opinion. Burn me up and scatter me out back!

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